Call for cell phone vaccines

I belong to a dwindling minority of students who successfully attend class, organize a work schedule and conduct an active social life ... all without the aid of a cell phone. There are many people (probably reading this while on their phones) who cannot identify with this lifestyle and have probably moved on to another column now. \nFor those of you still reading, this is our chance to address a very serious medical issue -- one that might be affecting the people around you right now.\nStudies have indicated extended cell phone use doesn't cause brain tumors, but my theory is there's a tiny gland located in the brain just behind the ear which, when bombarded with cell phone radio waves for extended periods of time, releases a devastating neurotransmitter called assholanine. \nA distressing number of citizens are unknowingly at risk for developing cell phone addiction from excessive amounts of assholanine. Supposedly, 70.5 million cell phones were sold in 2003 alone (Chicago Tribune, Jan. 11). Since this isn't a new trend, and many people have had their phones for much longer, it's safe to say cell phones are insanely popular.\nThe effects of assholanine vary greatly from person to person. Some manage to live a normal, non-disruptive life with excessive amounts of it, completely avoiding the trap of cell phone addiction. For others, it can cause the voice to become abnormally loud or the walking pace to slow to a crawl. \nStill others exhibit lapses in judgment -- choosing to chat on the phone while navigating two-ton vehicles through the town of Bloomington -- where the pedestrians enjoy leaping mischievously into traffic without warning.\nThe most pitiable sufferers experience delusions that their phone has a little privacy booth attached, when clearly, it does not. On the airport shuttle, I once sat by a girl who had a dramatic, tear-filled fight with her boyfriend via cell phone. Even my headphones couldn't drown out this poor victim of excessive assholanine. If this had continued much longer, I would have asked for some popcorn. Perhaps the phrase "There is a time for everything" should be printed in the Nokia owner's manual. Heck, maybe it is printed there. Does anyone really read those things? \nThe best form of treatment for this disorder is at least one hour of silence per day. For some, this may prove to be very difficult. Recently, a classmate of mine exhibited near-horror at the idea of enduring a ten-minute bus ride from her sorority to Ballantine Hall in silence. Lacking a travel companion, she will whip out her phone to distract herself for the short trip. It's a crying shame -- reading the paper, people-watching out the window or taking a short snooze before class all lose their appeal for cell-phone addicts. Their attitude seems to be "If there is no noise, it's not worth doing." \n Cell phone possession and use does not necessarily create this problem. They are valuable tools of communication, when used properly, can save time, cut down on confusion and even help save lives in emergency situations.\n Keep an eye on your cell phone habits, though. If you find yourself consistently leaving it on and getting calls during class, in the library or in computer labs, you might want to take note. The moment you catch yourself accidentally sharing personal information (like the intimate details of last night's wicked little hook-up -- names and locations included) with a crowd of giggling eavesdroppers, you need to take a little technology hiatus ASAP. Remember, the key is moderation.\nFeel free to test out my assholanine theory, discuss it with your friends … just don't perform any experiments on animals in your endeavor to disprove me. I'm not a doctor. I just play one in the Indiana Daily Student.