Where rubber meets the road

I have been terrified of death since I was a little boy. The thought that at some point in the future I would no longer exist triggered hyperventilation and heart palpitations. \nAt 11:09 a.m. Sunday, Jan. 11, I faced death and was at peace with it.\nWe crossed the Florida/Georgia border just before dawn on the way home from my band's weeklong tour of the South. There was a knocking sound in the left rear wheel well, but a good-natured, toothless and tubby Wal-Mart mechanic named Hoppy put our spare on and said he couldn't diagnose the problem. He said we'd probably be OKAY to get home. Just north of Atlanta in the middle of I-75's five lanes, the rear axle snapped at the left wheel, sending us into a tailspin that flipped the van on its side. The momentum sent us nose first across two lanes of traffic into the concrete retaining wall. We slid another 120 feet before coming to a stop. \nI got up and walked out through the windshield of our demolished van -- out of one era of my life and into another. The event I have feared most in my young life almost happened, and I faced it without the terror I expected. In the quiet space after our van tipped, and before impact, I loosened my grip on life. My will to control every aspect of my life with an iron fist dissipated into the still air. Resigned to the fact that much of this life is out of my control, I burst into the future with an explosion of glass and the shriek of tearing steel. \nWe may pay lip service to the fraility of life, but how many of us teeter on the edge of the abyss and come back to tell of it? In one profoundly informative moment, my fear, anger, resentment and bitterness fell away, and I limply hurtled toward my fate. For whatever reason, my bandmates and I got a free pass. The question now is, "how do I pick up my old routines when I am not the person I was when I left Bloomington?" How will the way I live my life reflect what I learned in the silent moment before all hell broke loose?\nI wasted almost a decade of my young life running from old hurts, living in fear of change or vulnerability. I cannot afford to waste one more day copping out of opportunities, making safe decisions or abandoning people before they can disappoint me. I have to live fearlessly and make leaps of faith with people and my work. \nAs I write this, four good friends readjust to life in Bloomington and Indianapolis, and one is laid up in a recovery ward of Marietta hospital with a fresh skin graft on his right arm. That we all survived the crash is a minor miracle -- the fact that we are all better people for it is beautiful beyond words. I have not lived in a way that gives me the right to hand out advice, but I have learned a few simple things this week I want to share. \nLive honestly, love fearlessly and fight fiercely for what you believe, because this life is over in an instant. It may sound trite, but when the van you are riding in is sliding on its side at 60 miles per hour, it is all that really matters.