Horror is described in the dictionary as an intense, painful feeling of repugnance and fear. By that definition, horror is definitely not something viewers feel in today's so-called "horror" films. Maybe in movies like My Boss's Daughter and Rollerball people are often filled with horror but not the type of feeling that horror films are supposed to make us feel.\nIf horror is indeed an intense, painful feeling of repugnance and fear, there are few movies that actually fit the bill. And most of them were made a long time ago before new and improved technology was around.\nNo truly scary movie has ever been awarded an Oscar, and since the taste of Halloween is still fresh in our mouths, here are my horror movie awards:
Funniest Horror Movie
I'm not talking Scary Movie here. I'm talking about a movie that is apparently supposed to scare and give viewers nightmares, but doesn't exactly fulfill its job. The winner is Peter Manoogian's 1992 movie Demonic Toys. One review explains the movie as being about "cute and cuddly toys possessed by demons." Not exactly the scariest of the bunch. Especially the Betsy Wetsy doll that says, "I can laugh. I can giggle. I can even piss my pants!"
Worst Attempt at a Horror Film
Sure, it even made me jump. I often felt a little uneasy and perhaps even sat on the edge of my seat. But there is no way I Know What You Did Last Summer is a horror film. \nTied with that is the ridiculous Scream trilogy. Scary? Eh, sure. But a horror film? No way. What makes a horror film seriously nail-biting and pant-wetting is the fact that it could never happen. At least we'd hope not. These two movie sets are about a bunch of drunken, horny teenagers and their escape from real-life killers. Not plausible, but definitely possible.
Best Horror Movie that appears to have been filmed in Indiana
Children of the Corn I-VI might as well have been filmed off of SR 37 on the way to Martinsville. It's positively spine chilling. In 1984, we were first introduced to the fact that corn while a seemingly harmless, tasty vegetable, could in fact be scary as hell. \nThese kids are freaks. What's cool about these movies is the fact that the first few came out before crazy technology came into play. There are no real special effects, yet the first scene in a diner where the evil Amish-looking children mass murder all the adults in town is gruesome and disgusting enough to make one think twice before pulling over next to a cornfield.
Best horror film that left you sleeping with the Bible, the Torah and the Koran
There are only two movies that ever left me shaking and horrified of sleeping alone. The Exorcist and The Ring are both so terrifyingly skin-crawling that I could never again watch them alone. \nThey might not make you jump often. You might not even be on the edge of your seat. But crossing over a line from deranged killers to evil spirits and demon-possessed children is simply horrifying. The thought of my bed floating in mid-air or children crawling out of my television set is absolutely bloodcurdling.
Corniest, scariest, most life-altering horror movie of them all
Stephen King is the messiah of horror films. And you know he's the reason you want to run for your life whenever one of those red-haired, red-nosed scary as hell clowns crosses your path. That's right, I'm talking about IT. Pennywise the clown is possibly the most horrifying horror film character ever. The only thing holding this movie back is the ending. Pennywise turns out to be a gigantic man-eating spider? Um, no. \nBut aside from that, I can honestly say that if Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kruger and Pennywise were in the same dark alley I was in, I'd pray to God that Jason and Freddy would protect me. King instilled a fear of clowns in the entire nation after the movie IT and in Children of the Corn I-VI made fields full of vegetables scarier than masked men with knives. No one is better at horror than King.
The world's greatest horror movie with no intent to scare at all
It's rated G and mainly about candy. It can be found in the family section of your local video store, but don't be deceived. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory makes me sick. Damn those Oompah Loompahs.
