I see dead people, and they suck

I want this hour and a half of my life back. Sadly, we can't always have what we want. Instead I'd like to propose everyone avoid this movie like the wretched cinematic toilet paper stain it is. \nAs history has proven, most recently via Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, video games rarely translate aptly to film. This notion is underscored when the game isn't even that good to begin with, as is with House of the Dead. \nAt first, the movie wants desperately to be a teen sex comedy-influenced horror flick from the '80s. A bunch of immature, two-dimensional co-eds flock to a deserted island for a rave, ready to drink, make out and disrobe at the drop of a Jell-O shot. Then the director (wannabe filmmaker/German tool, Uwe Boll) does something blasphemous. A couple heads to the lake for some dipping of the skinny persuasion, and what ensues is a direct and shameless plagiarism of Spielberg's immortal opening scene of Jaws. My head hanging in shame, I watched an already terrible movie unfold into something much, much worse. \nFrom then on, HOTD digressed to a ridiculous action/horror hybrid executed to miserable imperfection. There's no other way to say it: This is piss-poor filmmaking. \nFor some puerile reason, Boll chose to intercut actual video game footage between scenes and sporadically throughout the action sequences. This allows the viewer to understand the deep parallel ("Look! See! This is from the game! Get it?") as "Insert Coin" flashes at the bottom of the screen during said gimmick. This is almost as dumb as randomly picking two non-central characters to pose in a dramatic fight stance when they die so the camera can whoosh around them as the screen filters to red. Yeah, it did that too. \nThe acting, story and characters are like the film itself -- 13 shades of retarded. And the zombies look like inbred yard statues. The cinematography and editing are downright annoying, complete with lengthy, pointless epileptic recap montages. And let's not forget the most muddled, over-stylized action sequence ever, which outright violates The Matrix's bullet time effect.\nThere's so much to hate here. It's cinematic anal fodder. Please don't waste your time encouraging this movie's success. Instead, donate your hard-earned bank to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Kill Bill: Vol. 1, both of which are incredible and deserve attention, respect and the extra theater space this piece of crap occupies.