Bringing up the rear

Especially before it started getting colder, I seemed to notice lots of people wearing shorts or pants with words splashed across the rear end. Intrigued, I decided to investigate this fashion trend in the place where all logical people investigate fashion trends, that is, the bookstore. At the IU Bookstore and T.I.S. College Bookstore, I counted about 10 different colors or styles of pants and about 15 varieties of shorts with "Indiana," "Hoosiers" or the like written on the rump. Employees at both stores confirmed that literary hindquarters are all the rage.\nI resolved to get to the bottom of this phenomenon by brainstorming possible reasons for the popularity of bottom-writing. One of the first possibilities I thought of was that pants with words on the seat provide more protection than plain pants. \n"Dress in layers," people tell us. Well, writing adds an extra layer, and it's only reasonable that pants with an extra layer of material would be better than the thin, skimpy, unadorned alternative, while simultaneously providing an added layer of meaning to the term "rear guard." \n"My shorts with 'Indiana' written on the butt are so much sturdier than my other shorts," said an imaginary person who I did not interview. "They're way more comfy, too." \nEven if pants with "Indiana" on the tush were less strong and less comfortable, I'm sure some of us would be willing to endure it if that's what it took to show support for our University. What a display of school spirit! It's like a human bumper sticker, proudly advertising your loyalties to all those following behind you ... or following your behind. Maybe words on the fanny have special powers for ensuring victory: we'll win by the seat of our pants, and with "Indiana" on our butts, we'll kick your butts.\nOn the other hand, perhaps relegating "Indiana" to your backside is a subtle, even unconscious, way to express disapproval of the University. Think about it: you're sticking your school's name smack dab on your gluteus maximus, hardly known as a bodily place of honor, and every time you sit down you're plopping your posterior on top of the name of your school. Is that any way to show respect? \nOr, maybe seat-writing is simply part of a massive literacy campaign. After all, we should do our part to spread the written word to as many spaces as possible. Imagine how many children will take their first steps toward learning to read by asking, "Mommy, what's written on her bottom?" And why stop there, with just the derriere? We must not rest until every one of us is a walking alphabet, with letters coating our shirt sleeves, pantlegs and neckties. Come on, you know you've always dreamed of looking like a NASCAR driver. \nOh ... it finally occurred to me that maybe it's considered attractive or provocative or some other word ending in "-tive" to draw attention to your keister by encouraging people to read it. Instead of a bumper sticker, it's a billboard: "Hey! Look at my butt!" \nStill, that doesn't unravel the mystery for me. I certainly wouldn't want anyone staring at my rear end. But to each her own, I guess. If you want people looking at your butt, fine. If I want my clothes to say anything, I'll restrict messages to the decidedly non-suggestive areas of my body, like my chest.