Oh, Canada!

This summer, we (the United States) were upstaged by our northern neighbor (Canada). The U.S. isn't accustomed to that, unless you count comparing our educational test scores with other countries, because in that field we've pretty much conceded defeat.\nBut I mean, Canada?! How did that happen? We were going to find out, honestly; but before we could, we used our preemptive strike policy to send forth an annihilating cascade of warfare in the name of freedom.\nWait, no, that didn't happen. I'm thinking of another country. \nYet, in the eyes of some people, what actually did occur was worse than any cowboy foreign policy this country employs: Canada is legalizing gay marriage and pot.\nThat's right, our worst fears confirmed: someone in Canada is making sense. And it's the ruling Liberal Party, led by Prime Minister Jean Chrétien who looks like a fish and is kind of creepy. They introduced legislation setting the definition of marriage as "the lawful union of two persons," allowing for same-sex marriages.\nThey also introduced legislation to decriminalize small amounts of marijuana. Penalties would be akin to traffic offenses for cultivating up to 25 plants or possessing up to 15 grams (roughly a half-ounce; not a fact I know offhand. I had to look it up, I swear).\nAdults would be fined up to $290 and minors $182. At about $100 less than the adults, they could nickname their domestic policy: "Kids Smoke the Darndest Things."\nSo, this is the gratitude the U.S. gets for our president forgetting to mention Canada when he thanked other countries for support following Sept. 11? \nIt's appalling, really.\nYet we didn't do a thing. If we really needed a reason though, we found one in this disturbing Associated Press article, dated July 19: "Discontent Americans consider Canada."\nThe article, by David Crary, profiles a hodgepodge of Americans who all share the belief that the U.S. is growing too conservative, and Canada offers a more inclusive society. Mollie Ingebrand, a Minnesota puppeteer, plans to move to Vancouver with her family. \n"For me, it's a no-brainer," she said.\nMore of our worst fears confirmed: Canada steals brains. \nNow, setting aside the enormous, positive social reforms in the past few months, the ban on capital punishment, the national health care, the low gun violence rates and the temperate climate, why the hell would someone want to live in Canada? \nI'll tell you why: propaganda.\nCanada is quick to point out, presumably in some sort of "defense," that in 2001, for every American that moved to Canada, nearly 5 Canadians moved to the U.S. Meanwhile, a perfect window is open to distribute residency propaganda ... maybe like this:\n"Come on up to sunny [weather permitting] Canada! Pack your luggage and say 'Bonjour!' to the country Roger Ebert [not the film critic, just some guy we met in a bar] calls 'France divided by Minnesota!' Raise your family in the place Socrates, Abraham Lincoln and Gandhi [all unconfirmed at press deadline] all called home! Leave your worries behind and see what everyone is talking a-boot! Most of all, our prime minister doesn't look like a fish [not true, he does]!"\nMaybe Canada isn't the problem. The U.S. should probably take notes. Canada and progressive areas of the U.S. (like our very own Bloomington which, if it had the chance, Canada could easily coax into annexing) are going to have comic revenge after years of "nutty northern new-age neighbor" jokes. And I suppose that will continue as long as Canada cruises the fast lane on the highway of change, and the U.S. waits with a turn signal on.