Class on Labor Day?

Today is Labor Day and much of the university administration has the day off. Yet, the faculty doesn't. You don't. And we don't.\nBut we're not jealous.\nWe're not even jealous when the administration got to sleep in and slowly wake up to the friendly glow of mid-morning sun with the smell of pancakes and coffee drifting throughout the house. All of this while we, the students, had to get up in the dark and improvise a breakfast of flat 7-Up, left-over pizza and stale corn chips because we were running late for our 7 a.m. courses on such useful topics as the castor bean's importance to village life in southeastern Cameroon.\nBut we're not jealous.\nWe're not even jealous that the administration officials, taking advantage of the Labor Day sales, were able to find sexy new outfits for half their original prices, while we, running late to another class, fell into Showalter Fountain.\nNot jealous at all.\nWe are not even jealous that the administration gets to spend the afternoon stretched out by the pool, soaking up rays to work on their tans while mulling over whether they should take a dip or read another chapter of their suspense novels. This all while we have to spend two hours in a dank basement classroom seated between the guy who never bathes and that girl who makes moaning noises when she breathes and wears exorbitant amounts of fruity-scented "body fragrance."\nNo. Not jealous.\nWe are, however, concerned about Labor Day's impact on the proper administering of Indiana University. With only a skeleton crew, who's to say that disaster might not strike the flagship of Hoosier State education? Novices to the deeper secrets of departmental fax machines, faculty and grad students could be sucked through the feeder and squished in a horror of blood and toner. A short-handed Admissions Office might accidentally admit hordes of Visigoths who sack and pillage the campus to pay off their student loans. With Academic Affairs unable to enforce IU's rigorous standards, students could end up learning that the world is flat, two plus two equals six and the Republicans are sometimes right.\nIn short, it could be madness.\nWe all desperately need to be prepared for this situation. Here at the IDS, we have some suggestions. All students under academic probation for plagiarism could be trained on the Xerox machines, as they are familiar with copying. The Biology department could help with the University's legal affairs, as they know how to handle weasels. Finally, the social scientists could replace all the light bulbs, as they are used to stumbling around in the dark. \nThese ideas are merely a beginning, but we are confident that cooperation can avert crisis.\nOf course, the administration could always let the rest of us take the day off too. \nBut that would just be silly.