The Von Lee and AT: One helluva team

For those of you not in the know, Kerasotes is Bloomington's sole theatrical film chain. Sure, it, like any other corporation has its strong suits. Hell, Kerasotes hooks your film-reviewing buddy, "Tenacious A," up with free passes when at the theaters on "business." And Showplace 12 does boast some of the comfiest movie theater chairs I've ever plunked my lazy butt onto. So, perhaps I should stop being a whiny, little pud and avoid biting the hand that feeds me? No, screw that, I'm in the right this time.\nAm I being irrational? No, I think not. Just look at some of the recent cinematic atrocities committed against the Bloomington community by these monopolistic mofos. \nSpike Lee's latest joint (Did I just pull that off, despite being the honky I most admittedly am?) "25th Hour" was released locally some three months after its initial theatrical release this past winter. For Pete's sake, the film was released in Lafayette two months prior. And that says something, folks. I'm from West Lafayette; our idea of high culture normally involves sniffing glue in a parking lot and pilfering our neighbor's lawn gnomes. If IU can bring a respected filmmaker like Lee to campus, why can't Kerasotes do so much as release his latest work in a timely manner? Worse yet, the company only exhibited the flick for a week. \nSpeaking of timeliness -- what's up with these cats bringing flicks to town that'll be available on DVD a few weeks later? A recent example of this disconcerting trend is the Terry Gilliam-centered documentary "Lost in La Mancha." The film was given a limited, one-week engagement a few weeks ago and the DVD is already available. C'mon guys and gals, is this any way to run a respectable business? If you can't release something in a timely fashion, don't release it at all. Let film fans watch the flick in a civilized manner -- at home, in their boxers or preferred undergarment, a bag of Funyuns in lap and beer in hand on the barcolounger. Please, show us the respect we're likely to show ourselves.\nThe crowning jewel in Kerasotes' monetary and cultural dump on Bloomington is the kung-fu grip the compay nretain on Kirkwood's beloved and currently defunct Von Lee Theatre. The place has sat dormant since May of 2000, and Kerasotes refuses to sell fearing competition from prospective buyers. Essentially, they're pissing away profits that were theirs to begin with.\nHere's an idea. Why not sell the dive to me? I'll get loans from the bank, and transform the joint into Bloomington's very own little grindhouse that could. Better yet, I'll turn the place into a movie theater/bar. Seating would consist of ratty couches retrieved from dumpsters and papisan chairs stolen from dirty hippies. I'll show movies that only like 10 people or so would want to see (Sadly, most of them would be buddies of mine.), and in all likelihood I'd drink away any profits I made. \nSee guys, I'm not competition -- I'd be a joke! A cautionary tale told to IU business majors. After my business went belly-up, I'd likely burn the place to ashes and rubble, collect the insurance money, buy a Kia, drive to Utah, hit the hash pipe and start-up a Kool-Aid swigging cult comprised of co-eds and cornholios. \nHere's the long and short of things. There's no need for a blowhard IDS lackey such as myself to badmouth what could be a decent chain in ill-advised columns such as this one. Kerasotes should simply give the Von Lee up. Not necessarily to a chucklehead like me, but to someone who'd use the facility for educational and/or constructive purposes. And while it's great that art films are being shown locally, release more and better ones when given the opportunity. \nSure, I wanted to see an anorexic Cameron Diaz jump kick Demi Moore in her fake tits just as much as the next guy or misguided feminist. But do we really need something like four screens of "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle?" I've seen this abomination, and the answer's a resounding "No." Use additional screens to bring more movies like the Brazilian powerhouse "City of God" to town. Or better yet, even bother with releasing Christopher Walken's new flick "Poolhall Junkies" or Jonas Åkerlund's highly-touted feature debut "Spun." And do so when school is in session, so people can actually see them -- I'm officially off the soapbox.