Choose wisely, grasshopper

Life is about choices. Life is about decisions. Life is about selecting our preferences, about identifying our preferences, about defining our opinions.\nFrequently these choices are dichotomous, between two things or beliefs or even people. We must, for example, choose between IU or that smelly hole in West Lafayette (as distinguished from that smelly hole in South Bend).\nOr we must decide whether we want soup or salad with dinner, then whether we want clam chowder or French onion soup. Wait, I'm sorry, freedom onion soup.\nOr we must choose between the beautiful blond and the ravishing brunette. Sad to say that, at this point, I am not confronted with this decision. I only have one choice, and there's no hair on it, despite the warnings our parents gave us when we were 12.\nHere, then, are some other crucial two-option decisions we might face in our lives:\nPaul songs or John songs -- Do we like "Help" or "Yesterday?" "Strawberry Fields Forever" or "Penny Lane?" "Happiness is a Warm Gun" or "Blackbird?" Essentially, this choice comes down to whether we prefer cutting, hard-edge rock 'n' roll or sappy, melodramatic pop pabulum.\nShelley Long or Kirstie Alley -- For me, this decision can be made by examining their careers outside of a Boston barroom. They both starred in their own painfully unfunny sitcoms. They both had woeful, aborted movie careers that involved inane comedies and their even more inane sequels. This could go either way. \nBrooklyn or Los Angeles -- Dem Bums epitomized brotherhood and social justice. Their West Coast descendents epitomized the closing of a golden era, the end of innocence, the triumph of the almighty dollar over community loyalty. You make the call.\nBon Scott or Brian Johnson -- Which nasally, screeching AC/DC lead singer do we want to hear? Since I would much rather listen to "Night Prowler" than the "You Shook Me All Night Long" for the 1,596,934th time, I'll take Bon.\nCatholicism or Protestantism -- This, as we know, is a historically volatile subject. However, there's really not too much difference between these two branches of Christianity. After all, both Catholics and Protestants believe everyone besides them are going to Hell. \nJay Leno or David Letterman -- On this one, I encourage you to write in Jon Stewart.\nMichigan or Ohio State -- Of course, this is like choosing between SARS or monkey pox, but we need to select the lesser of two evils. The question, then, becomes: which one clobbered IU by only four touchdowns as opposed to seven?\nHall or Oates -- This one's for the women (or, according to Alfred Kinsey, 10 percent of the men). Alternate questions could be "Loggins or Messina" or "Seals or Crofts."\nNASCAR or IROC -- Inbred rednecks driving around in circles or snooty Europeans driving around in circles.\nKirk or Picard -- This is a tough one, especially for socially stunted, reality-challenged misfits, otherwise known as Trekkies.\nClassic country or modern country -- We can go with earnest, gritty, heartfelt American heritage or soulless, corporate, cookie-cutter sludge.\nDemocrats or Republicans -- Which conniving, centrist, group- thinking bunch of spineless phonies beholden to corporate America do you feel best represents you?\nGillian Anderson or any other woman on the planet -- I think the choice is obvious.\nWile E. Coyote or Roadrunner -- That bird deserves to be a pot pie.\nElvis Presley or Chuck Berry -- A fat, drugged-out, racist cracker who ripped off everybody else's songs or the true King of Rock and Roll. You choose.\nOther crucial decisions include East Coast/West Coast, Daphne/Velma, Jon/Ponch, Marvel/DC, Peter Gabriel/Phil Collins, pudding/Jello, hamsters/gerbils (that one was suggested by Richard Gere), Jennifer Lopez/anyone with talent, North Dakota/South Dakota (for all you white separatists out there) and, finally, my column/Sominex.\nSo do not take these decisions lightly. Make sure to ponder them carefully, because you might always regret taking the wrong path -- like Darth Vader or Geraldo Rivera.