You look sober

Last week we discussed bar etiquette and now it seems we've run into a snag -- the place is so packed you're beginning to believe Britney Spears' name will get called for a Grammy before you get your next drink. And if you can't get smashed, you can't possibly justify why you're wearing sunglasses at night, up on the stage butchering "Come on Eileen" and ruining everyone's night. \nSo I begged local bartenders to divulge the secrets of getting their undivided attention. They accommodated my request under the condition of complete anonymity to ensure their safety and the safety of their loved ones (I don't blame them; ever since I've been spouting off in the IDS I haven't left the house without a bullet-proof vest strapped to my chest).\n• Introduce yourself to the server when you arrive. Having a familiar face enhances the likelihood of being recognized. But make sure you don't get flustered during an awkward moment of silence and say something like, "So yeah, I just joined NAMBLA (the North American Man-Boy Love Association)." \n• Never treat vacant glasses as ash trays; it makes bartenders homicidal maniacs. Feel free to ash on the forehead of your ex's date instead. \n• Make eye contact with the bartender. If you just stand there waving a single, you're essentially invisible. Lock eyes, and your server will be all over you like a Hooters waitress.\n• Don't just leave bartenders coins for a tip; loose change has little value to them. Servers want to see some paper (they will also accept: dough, scratch, ice, cabbage, cheddar, cake and cream).\n• Laying down a hefty tip right off the bat doesn't ensure first-rate service for the entire evening. You may enjoy a painless round or two, but become a miser, and you'll be living on borrowed time -- you might as well change your name to Mike Davis. \n• Get everyone's money together. Nothing irks servers more than when your posse orders eight Zimas and tries to pay for each bottle separately. Keep pulling this stunt, and you'll need to get diagnosed with the "Kavorka" to get some attention.\n• Don't be misled by how stiff your drink tastes. Bartenders like to stop pouring the mixer first, so alcohol rests on top and your initial swig tastes strong. Kids these days love to protest this injustice by lifting as many shot glasses off the countertop as their pants pockets will secure. \n• It's all about positioning -- be receptive to the direction your bartender is moving. They usually pick a point, move down the line, and start over again (Hey, sounds like that expensive habit you picked up on spring break!).\n• Never reach over the bar or touch the server to get noticed. Do this once and you'll get ignored more often than a Student Athletic Board mass e-mail. \n• Don't complain that the bartender gave you too much head ... on your beer. A brew without any head is flat. \n• Don't ask for less ice, it doesn't translate into extra liquor in your glass. You'll only wind up receiving more of the mixer. However, I understand that absolute inebriation is not everyone's goal for the evening. "I like to stay sober," senior Dan Snodgrass said. "It gives just the edge I need on the drunk chicks."\n• When bar employees tell you they're closing and to clear out, please oblige. They can't stand having to force people to vacate the building. I heard College Books had this same problem with Myles Brand. \nYou're now free to get drunk and move about the bar. Just don't forget to go home and mess with that roommate who has a test in the morning.