TV party tonight!

People whine and complain about the degradation of TV, but if it is so bad, people wouldn't watch it, right? Numerous organizations have instigated a "National TV-Turnoff Week" because they blame television for societal problems ranging from childhood injuries to obesity in women. These groups suggest dumping television viewing for more mundane forms of education and entertainment, like family activities, going outside or -- gasp -- reading books. Groups like the TV Turnoff Network are doing a great disservice to the hard-working over-privileged white men of the television industry by boycotting such a powerful, awe-inspiring medium.\nA commonly suggested alternative to watching television is going outside. I do not recommend it. After watching the Fox News network, I learned about this horrible disease called SARS. I gathered from the newscast that SARS is highly contagious, so I should avoid human contact as much as possible. Fox News also noted that SARS will inevitably kill us all and that Saddam is likely responsible for its existence. Would I have learned this information by prancing through the daisies outside? I think not. My allergies would have acted up, and I could have been exposed to the deadly virus.\nAnother misconception about television is that it can cause obesity. Again, I fail to see a correlation. Research by several doctors in the Journal of the American Medical Association concluded that \n"... repeated exposure to television commercials for food may prompt children to increase food consumption, which ultimately leads to weight gain." This assumption-based research has also been applied to grown men and women. Is it ESPN's fault that men can't keep their paws out of the pork-rind bag during the playoffs? Is it CBS' fault that women just can't stay out of the bonbon bucket during episodes of "The Young and the Restless"? If there is any evidence proving such a direct relation, I'd like to see it.\nAnother so-called "ill effect" of watching too much TV is vision problems. I happen to agree with this finding, and I have the perfect solution. Many people sit far away from their television sets and therefore have to squint to see well. Viewers can easily adjust this by sitting closer to the screen. I recommend a viewing distance of about one foot. The one-foot rule works in most cases, but if you really want the best possible viewing area, place yourself about an inch from the screen and then back up until you can see all 525 glorious lines of resolution. This practice will also help you avoid distractions like those social interactions with your friends and family.\nA misguided Ted Turner once said "TV is the single most significant factor contributing to violence in America." It is flagrant comments like Ted's that make me want to just go nuts and shoot up the whole town "GTA: Vice-City" style. Does TV really kill people? OK, there was that part in "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer," but seriously Ted, I was under the impression that people killed people.\nFor those of you who recognize the true power of the boob tube, I declare the rest of this week "National TV Party Week" in honor of the late, great Black Flag. To those who continue to fight against television, bring on your complaints. Watching television has painted a pretty scary picture of the real world for me. I'd rather just stay inside. I am content to just grab a bowl of snack num-nums and bask in the electron gun's glow in the safety of my own room. Now, who's with me?