Man in the irony mask

English majors are known to do crazy things. For most people the idea of majoring in English is already insane. But, in addition to that, we also read, write, casually say "whom" as if it's really a "word," and "put things in quotation marks" for no other reason but "fun." \nKeeping that in mind, I hope what I'm about to do doesn't seem out in left field: Henceforth, I want an embargo on word irony and all its conjugational forms.\nYou see, irony never used to be a problem. Before a certain Canadian musician (for anonymity's sake, we'll call her Malanis Orissette) chiseled the word ironic into our lexicon, it was one of the things you avoided until that last question on your freshman English final. And, in a moment of hesitation and panic, the only example of irony you could remember from Jonathan Swift's 1792 essay "A Modest Proposal" was, "OK, one night Swift was at Ye Olde Neighborhoode Applebee's, and he was afraid to fly so his plane crashed."\nAnd as that big red F on that essay indicated, that isn't ironic. It would have helped to know irony comes in basically three forms:\nVerbal Irony -- When you say something but you really mean the opposite. For example, "Yeah, Jonathan Swift is alive."\nDramatic Irony -- Utilized for tragic plays when the audience knows something that the characters don't. For example, "Although they saw the man emerge from the shadows, the audience gasped when he stabbed Jonathan Swift eight times."\nSituational Irony -- When the opposite occurs rather than what is expected. For example, "Jonathan Swift had been lost in the desert for days, deliriously thirsty from the sun, and when he found an oasis, he fell in and drowned." \nWe mostly goof up situational irony because verbal irony is sarcasm and dramatic irony, much like Jonathan Swift, is dead.\nSo if Swift were afraid to fly and died in transit on his first flight, it wouldn't be ironic; you might even expect that. But let's say he's afraid to fly so he takes the bus, which swerves off a bridge, killing him and everyone on board. Hoorah, you might say. It's ironic and he can't write anymore.\nIrony doesn't have to be about death either (although, ironically, the best examples are the morbid ones). Last week I heard a girl at a dining hall say, "It's the same soup as yesterday," and her friend replied in all seriousness, "Isn't it ironic?"\nNo. It really isn't. In fact, most people who misuse the word irony are sure they know what it means. It'd only be ironic if Residential Programs and Services switched soup providers for variety, and the new provider served the exact same types of soup.\nMaybe instead of imposing an embargo, we should just educate about irony. That way as people start using the word irony in important situations (presentations, job interviews, weddings, surgeries), they'll get it right.\nMaybe I've done that, or maybe I've squandered 600 words on irony instead of something timely, like the fact that -- I'm the not making this up, this is actual Associated Press stuff -- the U.S. military is using dolphins to locate mines in ports along Iraq.\nSo, I henceforth reverse my previous henceforth, because putting an embargo on words isn't just unconstitutional, it's also stupid. It's just not ironic.