Learning what matters

Today's topic is something I will refer to expertly as "Important Stuff I Learned," but first I'd like to say congratulations to my god-sister, who is graduating high school in about a month.\nI'm sure most of you, like me, had friends who were a grade behind you when you graduated high school. And when you left you told them goodbye in the most affectionate way possible: hahahaha. \nBut afterward, you flipped out realizing you were going to college. Now it's her turn to experience this and being the loving person I am, I used someone else's money to buy her a consolation gift. \nMy shopping journey began at the Indiana Memorial Union. For those of you unfamiliar with the Union (sometimes said "I-M-U" for people that don't have time to say "the Union"), it's a public place full of busy people doing busy-people things, like speed studying for "that huge exam" or inhaling food. It's like an airport without the planes.\nSo I wandered into the Union bookstore, past a distressed guy who was trying to decide whether $3.95 is a better investment for an issue of The New Yorker or one pencil with an IU logo on it. I found one of those clichéd, nauseatingly unemotional "how to survive your first year of college" books obviously written for a quick buck. So following the guiding light of American consumerism, I bought it.\nBut here's the catch: I'm writing my own notes with a few of my thoughts on the important stuff you learn in college in the book's margins so she can get an actual freshman perspective. \nYou see, I stand firmly behind a principle that for every year you're in college you should learn one really important thing that you can take with you through the rest of your life. You don't have to limit it to one, but to have one important thing that sticks with you is very crucial.\nI learned a lot this year, so I had much to narrow down. For a while I thought maybe it was the "Binaca fireball," created by a guy I'll refer to simply as Tom, who may or may not currently be my roommate.\nTom discovered that if you have two simple things -- 1) Binaca and 2) a lighter -- you can create a small momentary fireball that for all safety and legal reasons I must describe to you as "potentially dangerous and not funny or entertaining in any way whatsoever." Something could have caught on fire and burnt down, or worse, we could have gotten caught. The point is, Tom is a professional slacker and did this under controlled conditions, namely, not doing his homework.\nDeep down though I knew that wasn't it. I could say the most important thing I learned was in a class, but we'd all have to share a laugh because of course I'd be lying.\nI really think the most important thing I learned this year is that, no matter what it is, someone is just going to take something too seriously. And the scary thing is, oftentimes these people are not even clinically insane.\nIf it's freaking out over college, a column, a cartoon, studying, an off-handed comment, shopping, a sports team, people posing nude or even one of these so-called fire safety "laws;" someone out there will needlessly make a gigantic deal out of it.\nAm I suggesting that things shouldn't be taken seriously? Of course not. I'm just saying people should calm down a bit, kick back, have a few drinks and relax. If you're freaking out about something all the time, you can't possibly enjoy college. And even I can say, with all seriousness, that's what college is really there for.