The War Dick Chen-ary

Hopefully you've had a chance to watch the war on television. I'm not referring to the war going on in Iraq though; I'm referring to the war for media superiority being fought between the broadcast and cable news networks. "Gulf War II" has brought us the ultimate in reality television using more coverage than any other event in history. With this coverage there have been many new terms and phrases introduced to the viewing audience. In order to have a better understanding of the news reports, I've constructed this helpful glossary to highlight the most important terms.\nBreaking News -- This is also known as a "New Development." This is one of those words the stations will put in all caps and render in 3D just so you know you are seeing something of great importance. The sizing of the font is directly proportional to the significance of the story. You may have heard the term used before, but regarding our current situation, it means cutting to video of a reporter in the middle of a sandstorm so that he can tell us that he's coming to us live from the middle of a sandstorm.\nEmbedded Reporting -- A slick term for overzealous broadcast journalism. These guys don't seem to take war very seriously. For instance, an NBC reporter (standing and wearing a big blue jacket) was interviewing a camouflaged marine in prone position. The reporter might as well have waved a giant flag over his head and pointed at the poor marine who looked like he didn't need the attention.\nFriendly Fire -- An embarrassing mistake commonly expressed with "Oops." I find nothing friendly about it really. If my own guys were shooting at me I'd be a little perturbed, and I most certainly wouldn't be friendly about it.\nMOAB -- "Massive Ordinance Air Blast" or "Mother of all Bombs" depending on your source. At any rate, it is a 21,000-pound harbinger of death that should be renamed to MOAPS or "Mother of all Phallic Symbols." Not only is the MOAB supposed to blow up stuff, it is also supposed to have a psychological effect, something the U.S. military considers absent from conventional artillery.\nShock and Awe -- A ten-dollar term coined by military theorists Harlan Ullman and James Wade. It's described as a means of scaring the enemy into submission by showing massive amounts of boring war footage (see "Breaking News"). Actually, Ullman says it is a way to "bring intense pressure on the enemy and do minimum damage to the civilian infrastructure." He says this tactic has a "simultaneous effect, rather like the nuclear weapons at Hiroshima." We sure did minimum damage to the civilian infrastructure there, didn't we?\n Surrender -- A smart maneuver used by many Iraqi soldiers. It's nice to see Iraqi military employing the chief tactics of the French.\n Strategic Analysis -- Basically, it's a man in his late 60s standing next to a map of Iraq pointing at it and drawing lines and circles all over it. Soon Fox News will have a war-gaming hobbyist on telling us that the M1A1 Abrams tank has an armor rating of 16, receives a plus-2 attack bonus in fair weather conditions and gains 3 ranks in "charm enemy."\nNow that you're armed with my handy glossary of terms, you're the informed viewer, but please, don't become the addicted viewer. There is enough stress in our everyday lives and we need not compound it by watching too much bad television. Do yourself a favor and go outside and enjoy the nice weather, but remember the thousands of men and women a half a world a way who probably wish they could too.