Really, lighten up

Morale is at rock-bottom. War and terrorism are threatening, race issues have been ignited, we're all obese and the weather sucks. I'm in no way trying to trivialize these significant matters, but it may do us some good to step back and lighten up. To combat the stress, here's what's been preying on my mind as of late:\nHow did the tradition of ass slapping in the sports arena come about? And what was the initial recipient's response? Was it, "Frank, wait -- whoa -- what in the hell do you think you're doing?!" \nI'm close to proving recently captured al Qaeda operations chief Khalid Mohammed is actually porn superstar Ron Jeremy. What I can't crack is why he appears to have just woken up from a 600-year nap. And why was the neck hole of his t-shirt so incredibly wide? Did he let Grimace borrow his clothes? Please tell me the F.B.I. is investigating these issues. \nSometimes when I'm at the mercy of the crowd at Kilroy's on Saturday nights, I'm convinced we're all about to be slaughtered and shipped to McDonald's to become Big N' Tasty's.\nIs there a more disturbing phenomenon out there than girls who drunk dial their mothers?\nAfter years of privately funded research, I've made a shocking discovery: Going to the grocery store under the influence of mind altering substances increases one's propensity to purchase doughnuts by 1300 percent. I've already brought this to CNN's attention.\nBe extremely cautious of any woman who has a scented tree air freshener dangling from her rearview mirror. Just trust me. \nIf you frequent the bars of Bloomington and also enjoy watching music videos, then you've probably noticed Jeff Newton, 50 Cent and I all have the exact same wardrobe. \nDid you know there are more chickens in the world than humans? This is hands down, my all-time favorite fact. \nEver since institutions of learning were formed, I don't believe any student has successfully woken up early in the morning to study for a test. Am I mistaken? Do you know someone who has? Please share his or her story with me. \nEvery time Justin Timberlake does a solo performance, Michael Jackson should receive royalty checks in the mail. \nWould it kill movie theaters to make salt packets available? Sure I know the salt in the napkin trick, but I've been doing that since "Spaceballs" back in '87. We can put a man on the moon but I still have to shake salt out of a folded-up napkin during the climax of a movie? \nWhile observing a Washington Wizards game the other night, I actually made this statement: "I think Michael Jordan's butt's getting big." It's clear that I need help, but what kind? Where do I need to go? \nI'm pretty sure I could drop dead from "ventilation tuna."\nIs there a more inept force of workers out there than the old ladies at Ticketmaster outlets? Purchasing tickets has become an experiment of how much incompetence one can be subjected to before completely losing control. I've actually been carried out in a straight jacket on more than one occasion. \nWhen I first began watching "American Dreams," I sort of developed a crush on Brittany Snow. I was all set to buy a pair of glasses with thick black frames, but then I discovered this traumatizing nugget of information: She's only 16-years-old. I haven't left my room since. \nMessage to record producing giants: Maybe we wouldn't copy so many CDs if you didn't make new ones so freaking difficult to open. \nOur world is certainly full of pressing matters. Choose your battles wisely.