It's beginning to look a lot like terror

I am a patriot. I love my country and I feel fortunate to be one of its citizens.\nMy popularly-elected government leader George W. Bush thought it best, in his all-knowing Texas state-of-mind, to create a new government department that would keep me safe from terror and tuck me in at night, keeping the Osama nightmares away.\nHomeland security is a dream come true for the new-age, super-prepared American citizen.\nAll we need for absolute safety is duct tape and the color-coded early warning system: a user-friendly chart with five color levels telling us all how much of a terrorism risk we live with.\nGreen means life is a go; there isn't a thing to worry about. Blue means be a little more cautious, yellow means keep an eye out, orange means break out the emergency kits and red means go home and put on your government-provided gas mask.\nThese five color codes will keep us safe in the event of an Arab. However, I have learned there are more parts to the code, secret colors only known to the Homeland Security Department. They are as follows:\nThe brown argyle code lets the department know that the Scottish are on the move and planning massive bagpipe attacks. No chemical or biological weapon is as damaging to the human mind as the sound of bagpipes.\nThe red code with a white cross in the middle is the sign that the Swiss are no longer a neutral country and have deployed both their atomic and milk chocolate missiles. Inside intelligence has revealed that covering a nation in chocolate before torching it with a nuke quadruples the collateral damage.\nThe red, white and blue code with an "L" in the middle means liberals are going on the war path again -- talking about oil, big business and environmental screw-ups. The red, white and blue code with the "C" in the middle means conservatives have been pushed to the point where they are loading their freshly-polished guns and taking pot-shots at Hollywood actors and tree-sitters.\nThe white code with the big red "A" in the middle means Bill Clinton is back in town, and all legislators and staffers need to hide their interns.\nThe Trojan man welcomes that warning color.\nThe burnt sienna code has a Big Mac in the middle. This code is to warn the government of impending fast-food lawsuits from obese terrorists.\n"In the name of (insert deity here) I will strike fear into the capitalist American system! As soon as I finish my number nine with extra pickles ... "\nThe black and yellow-striped code means "Killer African Bees" are back in Texas. According to news sources, African bees are bigger and have more lethal venom than American bees, making them dangerous, yet more suited to making tasty honey. \nThe mother-of-pearl code means a group of elderly women on the east coast have taken off their clothes and started to parade around their neighborhood in protest of the war in Iraq.\nThe pink code means drag queens have united against People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals in response to their bombing of a make-up factory where PETA claims products are animal tested.\nAll of the aforementioned color codes will alert the upstanding citizen to any threat on our good-as-apple-pie society by the triad of evil-doers.\nThis system will benefit everyone except the color-blind. \nBut that's OK. Somebody has to get the shaft.