Giving her stuff back

It's not like I want to hate my ex-girlfriend.\nI believe it's wrong to hate anybody, including poopie doo doo head people who just happen to be my ex-girlfriend and ex-friend.\nBut now she's asking for her stuff back in extremely tacky and brief emails that could very well be haikus.\nI just want to say\nI want my poop deck shirt back\nNext time your in town\nThe audacity! The nerve! The grammatical error!\nUnfortunately, she technically does own the shirt, so I have to give it back. But, oh, the possibilities!\nScenario 1: "Joe Was Here" mysteriously ends up on the front of the returned shirt in permanent marker. The private investigator hired to find the perpetrator blames lawn gnomes.\nScenario 2: The ex in question receives a box containing miniature cut-outs of my profile. The cut-outs are made of one hundred percent cotton. Watch out! They may shrink in the dryer! The shirt has inexplicably disappeared. Maybe it's in Tokyo.\nIn fact, I came up with an entire list of scenarios, one of which includes a band of swashbuckling pirates. But there are more important things to discuss.\nLike why on Earth did I not give the shirt back before now anyway? You'd think I'd want it out of my closet asap to get rid of any leftover cooties. Is there something more to this? To delve into this potentially deep psychological problem, we'll turn to Freud.\nFreud: Vell, zee shirt iz zuper kool! Za girl bought it at Zee Poop Deck in zee Bahamaz. Who vouldn't vant a shirt like zat?\nThank you Freud for that completely pointless and unfunny aside. The real problem, of course, stems from the fact I'm still angry with her. If she would've sent an apology with the email, I'd have no problem with the request. Instead, she gets yet another column written about her.\nI shouldn't even be wasting my precious column space on her. The healthiest thing to do would be to send the shirt back and just pretend the entire incident never happened. Many of us are completely unable to do that, though. We want closure. Or at least an admittance that our ex's lives without us are arid deserts full of cactuses, poisonous lizards and Carrot Top.\nIs that so much to ask for? I hardly think so. But what would I do if I were in her shoes, which incidentally still have little pieces of my heart caught between the treads.\nWould I be nice and apologize for the misdeeds my slightly off-kilter ex-boyfriend columnist is accusing me of, while asking for my shirt back? Or would I just dread the day I ever started dating a humor columnist, while asking for my shirt back? Or would I just forget about the stupid shirt and go play Putt-Putt or something equally productive?\nI have no idea what I would do. I don't think my feet would fit in her shoes anyway, and even if they did, she'd more than likely immediately send me an email asking for them back.\nIs all this reason to hate my ex?\nOf course it isn't, and I don't hate her (nothing wrong with extreme dislike, though.) But I would like to have my column space back, please.