Should we kidnap Antwaan?

IU's football program is in shambles. If it were a major fast food burger chain, it would be adding tacos to the menu right about now. So who's responsible for yet another disappointing season? Well, it would be easy to focus the blame entirely on the players, but this time it's everyone's fault. \nWe lost to Northwestern this year. Northwestern! That couldn't possibly have been the work of merely the players; this was a group effort. And as with any team that loses to Northwestern, the Big Ten will meet at the end of the season to decide if IU is to be dismissed from the conference.\nWe cannot solely blame the coaching staff either (although I do believe Gerry DiNardo's last team, the Birmingham Thunderbolts, have tallied more victories this season than us). DiNardo established his authority well and isn't afraid to boot players who violate team policies. His no nonsense attitude will eventually lead us to the Promised Land (or at least to a couple of made extra points).\nBut you can't expect DiNardo to waltz in here and immediately turn a program around like "The Doctor" did (readers have been urging me to unveil Mike Davis' new nickname, "The Doctor," with hopes it catches on. It's a play on his initials, M.D., and may be defined by the fact that he healed a basketball nation in need. So let's try it out for a season and see what happens.).\nThis sorry state of affairs is partially the students' fault. The stands on game day are emptier than Anna Nicole Smith's melon. While you're doing keg stands at the back of a Jeep Wrangler across the street, our team receives no home field advantage. What is it going to take to get you to go to the games? Do they have to pass out cream and crimson nitrous balloons at the gates? Or maybe we could rehire our former tennis coach, Mark Keil, get him loaded and have him do naked beer slides during the halftime show. Would this get you to come inside?\nThe University has failed as well. It has not provided an atmosphere that entices blue chip athletes (players who can run faster than Secretariat and bench press Rosie O'Donnell) to choose IU. DiNardo has expressed discontent with the current facilities and technologies available to his program. Our school also brilliantly hired an athletic director who proceeded to rack up millions of dollars in debt and is now getting paid by IU to sit on his couch watching dating shows all day for the next four years (Question: With all of the recent vacancies among the administration is "The Doctor" now the highest ranking University official?).\nAnd once Bob Knight's finished having his way with us in court, it might just be in our best interest to knock down Memorial Stadium and use the land to build high priced condos. We'd probably be on the verge of busting if the University didn't change our school colors for merchandising reasons (um, I mean to distinguish our colors from those of other Big Ten schools. Ah screw it, no one believes that anyway.).\nOur alumni and boosters are also guilty. They need to make sure the program has more money to throw around (only if they've finished donating to Texas Tech's program yet). Hell, why don't they just pretend to be University of Michigan boosters and start passing out Lexus cars to the players. It's not like we have any banners to take down in the football stadium, anyway. Do you think we could get Nick Nolte to talk to DiNardo? \nThe only other alternative I can think of is assembling a special task force to be sent to Pittsburgh to locate Antwaan Randle El, capture him, heavily drug him, truck him back to campus, throw a jersey on him with the name "Smith" and unveil him as part of next season's freshman class. No one has to know anything.