I'll never trust squirrels again

Imagine this if you will:\nYou're Joe Student. You're walking around the IU campus without a care in the world. Let's say you're fluttering around campus. You see a cute little squirrel standing on its hind legs practically begging for a rodent hug. You flutter in for a closer look. Suddenly, the delightful ball of fur jumps on you and unleashes its fury upon your forehead. You can do nothing but spin around madly and curse the day you trusted a squirrel.\nYou think this could never happen to you?\nThink again.\nAccording to a Reuters report, a solitary squirrel terrorized an entire town in England before being shot by the grandfather of one of its victims. "Its a shame he went nuts, but I couldn't let this little beggar hold the town to ransom," said Geoff Horth, the local hero.\nThis brings up two very important questions:\n1. How long have people in England been calling squirrels "little beggars?"\n2. What was the ransom? A lifetime supply of nuts? A sheep? What do "little beggars" really want?\nAnimal rights activists may be angered by Mr. Horth's actions, but the squirrel simply had to be sent to that giant oak tree in the sky. The people in the town were afraid to send their children to school because the terrorist squirrel may have beat them up and stolen their lunch money on the way. "Everyone round here is living in fear ... it's a vicious little thing. I'll never trust squirrels again," said one of the local residents of the town.\nSquirrel attacks aren't limited to England, though. Here in America, the malignant rodents are growing in numbers and becoming more aggressive. Supposedly, upset that they are no longer able to travel from Maine to Texas completely by tree.\nLuckily, we have the Squirrel Defamation League (www.deadsquirrel.com) here to warn us about the impending menace. In fact, the SDL defines a squirrel as "the most dangerous threat known to the world." Take that Saddam Hussein. Second-rate once again.\nWe are most certainly not safe here on campus. Squirrels have been known to attack colleges. At the University of Alabama and the University of South Florida, kamikaze squirrels periodically attack transformers and other things necessary for electricity in a desperate attempt to rid humans of their MTV.\nBut the bigger threat may be in our most populous cities.\n"Are you kidding? Squirrels on college campuses are tame compared to the ones we have here in New York City," said SDL reader Mark from New York City. "These little beasts are brazen to say the least. On a summer day in Central Park, the little bustards will grab a hot dog straight out of your hand while you're eating. They've even been known to abscond with small children."\n Once again, I have two questions:\n 1. How long have people in America been calling squirrels "little bustards?"\n 2. What does abscond mean and is it a trait "little bustards" share with certain Catholic priests?\nAre you still not convinced that squirrels need to be destroyed? Then take a look at reason number 10 on the SDL's Top Ten Reasons All Squirrels Must Die.\n"Naturalists that have studied squirrels have discovered many alarming behaviors among them. Squirrels fight even among themselves. A male squirrel will invade the tree of an enemy squirrel and bite off the testicles of the young in the nest."\nI don't care how cute and cuddly you are. That's just wrong.