Healing the wounds: students cope with loss

Sophomore Emily Hendrix and several friends crept cautiously through the quiet graveyard. It was late, the night was completely still, and all that could be heard were the students' footsteps.\nTheir eyes strained against the dark to see the smooth faces of the tombstones, looking for the etching of a name so dear to their hearts: Meaghan Buis, an IU student who was killed in a car accident on July 4, 2002. \nAs they approached her grave, the wind chimes hanging above the tombstone began to sprinkle notes like rain, and the flowers in the planter in front of her tombstone fluttered as if there was a calm night breeze. The friends all looked at each other, all thinking the same thing: there was no wind.\n"We knew she was looking out for us," Hendrix said. "She's our guardian angel." \nHendrix is among several IU students who, within the past year, have had to deal with the slow and painful process of grief through the loss of a close friend. This process can often be made even more difficult since students are far from home. \n"Often this is even a student's first experience with death and the grieving process," said Nancy Buckles, director of counseling and psychological services at the IU Health Center. "Usually students are not looking for therapy in these kinds of situations. They turn to the people closest in their own environment, they turn to family, and they turn to their faith."\nIU seniors Shanna Davis and Sally Armstrong experienced the death of their roommate in September. Their best friend, Georgia Marriott, was riding her bike and got in an accident with a dumptruck. \n"My church was very supportive and my faith was what was and is pulling me through," Davis said. Her roommate agreed.\n"It has been the guiding force of the whole grieving process," Armstrong said.\nMarriott's friends still think of her everyday.\n"When I see someone who walks like her, has her haircut, plays the violin, or even if I hear an ambulance siren, I think of her," Davis said, her lips trembling and tears slipping down her cheeks from under her glasses. "She was a mutual friend to everyone."\nHendrix, Davis and Armstrong all have pictures up in their apartments of the friend that they have lost. All three made memory books and mementos that they look at every day. \nBuis' father, a sheet metal worker, had taken broken pieces of the rearview mirror from the car Buis was driving, welded the edges with metal, and given each of the girls a piece to hang from their own rearview mirror.\n"We all keep in touch with Meaghan's family," Hendrix said. "We love to visit them and talk to them."\nBuckles points out that many students are often afraid to call the parents of a lost friend for fear of making the process harder. However, she said students should realize that in living away from home, the students' day to day life is unknown to the parents. \n"They would love for their child's friends to share a funny story, a sad story, see photos of what the every day life of this student was," Buckles said. "It's connecting their home life to their student life."\nThere are many phases and expectations that come from the grieving process, Buckles said. She said normal behavior includes loss of appetite, trouble with sleeping and concentration, feeling down and moody, and then thinking you're okay and then having the whole realization hit like a ton of bricks.\n"It takes about a year to recover from an uncomplicated grief of a very close loved one," Buckles said. The reason for this is because of anniversaries. Often, birthdays, holidays, the day friends met or went to a big event, are triggers of a wave of grief, even when someone thinks they are going to be okay.\n"It's a normal kind of thing," Buckles said. "Don't be surprised or scared. It's hard to get close again, and you will be wary for awhile. Everyone deals with it differently."\nShe said often grieving people are afraid that if they stop thinking about the person they will betray their friend.\n"It gets easier to deal with somewhat," Davis said. "We love to talk about her though."\nAll three girls still vividly remember the friend they lostand recall their memories with smiles.\n"It helps me to talk about and to get all my feelings out there," Hendrix said. "Meaghan was one of the sweetest, nicest girls. She was just so trustworthy and an awesome friend. I think about her a million times a day. It's taught me not to take anything for granted and to cherish all my friendships." Hendrix and her other close friends have been trying to get a memorial put on campus for their friend, such as a tree in Teter's courtyard with a plaque bearing her name.\nDavis and Armstrong both laugh when asked what they remember most about Marriott.\n"She had the greatest chicken impression!" Armstrong said, laughing. "She did impersonations and just always made you laugh."\nDavis recalled Marriott's qualities with a loving smile on her face. "She would build you up and always offered good advice," Davis said. "She made you feel important and unique. Every night before she went to sleep she would peek in our room and whisper, 'Love you, girls.' And we'd answer 'Love you, George." Davis wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled. "I want to be like Georgia when I grow up"