Stay away from the ostriches

They are now giving out awards for studying ostrich sex. ("They" referring to people with way too much time on their hands.)\nThis amazes me, but not as much as the fact that there are jobs out there where one is able to study ostrich sex. I didn't even know that ostriches had sex. Have any of you ever seen a baby ostrich? Of course not! That's because ostriches are the result of a mad scientist having fun with a flamingo and a mop.\nBut thanks to four brave and curious souls from the U.K. who wrote the Nobel Prize winning article, "Courtship Behavior of Ostriches Towards Humans Under Farming Conditions in Britain," we now know that ostriches are able to perform the hanky-panky, the horizontal mambo and the electric slide.\nThey're also pretty good at having sex. Especially when they're around humans.\nWhoa! Say what?\nIt's true. Humans are a total turn-on to our feathery friends. We're like kinky lingerie, chocolate and Old Spice all rolled up into one giant burrito of wild crazy ostrich sex.\nAt zoos across England, keepers are forced to Febreeze the ostrich pens so the following doesn't occur:\nOstrich 1: Henry, darling, what is that smell?\nOstrich 2: Why Eliza, I do believe that is Eau de Human Sweat.\nOstrich 1: I do believe you are right Oswald. Ooh, baby. Ooh, baby.\nMarvin Gaye: Let's get it on.\nThis astounding discovery was first published in an issue of the 39th volume of British Poultry Magazine, which makes the average person wonder two things: "How is one able to create 39 volumes of British Poultry Magazine?" and "Shouldn't ostriches be in the British Mops Magazine?" \nI actually searched the Internet in hopes of finding the elusive British Poultry Magazine. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find a Web site, but on the bright side, I'm now on the FBI list of people who seriously should be considered for deportation. Maybe they'll send me to England. I can wander from ostrich farm to ostrich farm offering my services as a human aphrodisiac.\nOn second thought, that's kind of gross. Maybe I'll invent a washing machine for cats and dogs instead.\nOh wait. That's already been done. Eduardo Segura won the Ig Nobel Prize in Hygiene for that ingenious contraption also known as, "The Really Fun Machine That Would Be Considered Animal Cruelty Here in the States, But Luckily Was Built in Spain Where They Run From Angry Bulls For a Good Time."\nI wish I could come up with something cool that would win an Ig Noble Prize. It doesn't matter that the Ig Noble Prizes are the scientific equivalent of giving a trophy to the baseball player who hit the foul ball that killed the adorable team mascot, Oscar the Sex-Crazed Ostrich. What's important is that it's still an award, and thus I want one too.\nHowever, I'm not a scientist. I'm just a mere college student trying to earn my living through torrid tales of wild crazy ostrich sex. (Sorry, wild crazy ostrich sex is my new favorite phrase and I had to write it again.) Wild crazy ostrich sex. Ooh, that is so much fun. You have to try it. Just say it aloud. Don't mind the person next to you. They'll understand. They're probably thinking it anyway.\nCould I win an Ig Nobel Prize for starting a new catch phrase? Hmmm. Probably not, but just in case ...Wild crazy ostrich sex.