Rapping, parachute pants and the religious channel

It was early one Saturday morning (1 a.m., to be exact), and I was flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch on the tele. I don't know why I turned to Channel 2 - what is Channel 2? What is shown on this Channel 2?\nWell, Channel 2 is the religious channel. But, for some reason, I was drawn to Channel 2. As soon as I turned it on, I looked at my friend sitting on the couch and uttered my three favorite words, "Oh my God!"\nHammer was on TV! The Master of Ceremony himself, Hammer! Not only was Hammer on TV, but Hammer was on religious TV. In his parachute pants and leopard-print vest, Hammer was throwing down the word on God, Jesus and the like.\nLet's not kid ourselves here: I have no idea what he was talking about. It was Hammer, for Pete's sake, in parachute pants and a leopard-print vest, talking about God. How could I focus on what he was saying? I was blinded by what he was wearing.\nIt was like 1990 again. I'm almost positive his choir sang "Pray." Wait, did I mention he rapped? Oh yes, Hammer was rapping during his sermon. You couldn't pay for this type of unintentional comedy if you tried.\nIt took me a long while to get over the shock of seeing Hammer on the religious TV channel. I don't think I was over it completely when I was flicking the channels at 3 a.m. last Saturday and, to my glorious joy, I turned on Channel 2 and HAMMER WAS ON AGAIN!\nI couldn't believe it - this apparently happens all the time! This wasn't some freak occurrence that will live only in my memories; I can relive it over and over again. As I continued to watch the second-best half-hour of television ("The Simpsons" being the best, duh), I noticed there was a little 800-number on the bottom of the screen.\n"You should call, dude," the same friend on the couch calmly stated (in case you were keeping score, yes, she was in the exact same spot).\nI often wondered why I had a cell phone -- no one calls me, and I surely don't call anyone. But, at that moment, it all made sense to me: this is why I have a cell phone, for this exact moment.\nSo, I called. AND THE LINE WAS BUSY! My God, I thought to myself, other people know about Hammer? I thought I was the only one who knew. I thought I was privy to private information that no one else knew about. \n"The line's bust," I said to my friend on the couch.\n"No way," she replied, "You think other people are watching this?"\nI want to know the other people watching the religious channel. Who are these people? Are they like me, watching it for the sheer joy and unintentional comedy value? Or are they taking Hammer seriously?\nMoreover, I wanted to know who was on the other end of that phone number. Was it Hammer himself? What else does he have to do that he can't chat one-on-one with his faithful viewers? He's certainly not rapping these days. I had to find out who answered the phone.\nSo I dialed again. And again, and again and again once more. And finally, as if my prayers were answered, I got a ring, and then another and another.\nOh no, I'm not hanging up, I was thinking to myself. I've come too close to give up now.\n"Hello, how can I pray with you today?"\nI was shocked. What did she say?\n"What?" was all I could mutter back. This was definitely NOT Hammer on the line. \n"Hello, how can I pray with you today?"\nI hung up the phone. I felt completely sick to my stomach. I didn't want to pray, I wanted to talk to Hammer. Oh well, I thought, at least I can still watch him.