Win, lose or draw

Central Michigan, a threat? As a Michigan native, that statement really shouldn't ever be uttered. At least not seriously. And definitely not as a description for this Saturday's football game when IU faces the Chippewas.\nBut Central is undefeated! \nIU would be too if they played Sam Houston State, Wyoming and Akron. CMU is supposed to be a cakewalk for the Hoosiers, not a threat. IU coach Gerry DiNardo didn't bump NC State and put William & Mary and Central on the schedule for no reason.\nBut IU is weak, pretty much everywhere! \nAgain, it's Central Michigan! This is not a school known for its football prowess. And if IU fans are remotely worried about this week's game, they better not even think about the upcoming Big Ten season. The thought promises to cause bleeding ulcers, and that's just no fun.\nBut a prediction is no good without hard facts, so let's compare IU to Central Michigan.\nIn general: When I was a senior in high school, the only people who applied to Central were those who needed a guaranteed acceptance, or those failing home economics. One classmate was accepted into CMU with a 1.9 GPA. But! This particular classmate was a rockstar at partying, and in Michigan, Central is known as party central. (No pun intended!) Of course, they aren't the No. 1 party school in America.\nWinner: IU by a Dean's List student doing a keg stand.\nHistorically speaking: Hey, IU may not have a winning record against any Big Ten school, but the Hoosiers are 24-4-1 against Mid-American schools. And IU hasn't lost a game against that conference since Michigander Gerald Ford was president. Well, no Michigan resident has been commander-in-chief in 25 years, and it's severely doubtful that the Chippewa's will break IU's 12-game win-streak against the MAC conference.\nWinner: IU, even though Ford was much cooler than Indiana's Dan Quayle. We won't even compare brains.\nIU's Gibran Hamdan vs. CMU's Derrick Vickers: Last Saturday, Vickers had the difficult task of facing the well-known brutal defense of…Akron. Must have been tough, especially when Akron had no sacks on the quarterback, no tackler who had double-digit tackles and apparently no blitz. So while Vickers was enjoying the roominess of the pocket, Hamdan was getting beat down by the UK Wildcats.\nWinner: Vickers. Despite the joke teams Central calls opponents, his numbers are impressive: 796 total passing yards with a 66 percent completion average.\nIU's defense vs. CMU's defense: Maybe we shouldn't even go here. But we will. Because Central's defense has 200 total tackles on the season, while the Hoosiers recorded 227. Both teams have eight players with double-digit tackles, but IU's leader, Herana-Daze Jones, has 40 total tackles which is 15 more than Central's main tackler Dante McKnight.\nWinner: Draw. If the Hoosiers hope to win this game, the IU defense has to play a complete game, which is not two quarters.\nGerry DiNardo vs. Mike DeBord: Okay, I cannot tell a lie. I'm biased towards DeBord, current head coach for the Chippewas and former offensive coach for the Michigan Wolverines. Some of my favorite football memories include the stellar DeBord-led offense back in 1997 when Michigan won the National Championship. Had he not opted for the job at Central, he might have won this one outright.\nWinner: Draw. If DiNardo has his defense rolling and DeBord gets his offense firing, this is going to be an interesting battle.\nIU's mascot vs. CMU's mascot: Oh wait a second. IU doesn't have a mascot. It's not that hard to figure out that defining a "Hoosier" is near impossible. And yet, the brain surgeons that run the IU Athletic Department are four months past their deadline of introducing the IU mascot. Fabulous idea to hire that marketing company in Indianapolis. It's obvious it's been a huge success.\nWinner: CMU. IU lost this one when they got rid of those inflatable football players that ran around the stadium. \nOverall Winner: IU. Even though IU is run by knuckleheads, and DiNardo's restructuring plan looks to be in shape by 2080, the Hoosiers will win. And not just in the post-game chugging contest.