Why can\'t I hate you?

Never date a humor columnist.\nBecause if you do date a humor columnist and you do break up with said columnist, he will immediately proceed to write a nasty column about you the first chance he gets.\nHopefully, you have learned your lesson Miss Amy.\nWhat jilted boyfriend wouldn't love to call his ex everything from a putrid ball of slime to a paramecium brained koala gremlin (my personal favorite) in front of 30,000 people? What guy who has just been thrown out like Fat Albert trying to steal second base wouldn't drown in his own saliva at the opportunity to embarrass his former girlfriend in what Shakespeare would refer to as "revenge sweeter than a coffee creamer filled with three sweet n' lows"? That guy would be me.\nSo far the worst insult I've been able to come up with is that she is a poopie doo doo head and unfortunately I don't even really mean that. \nThe Idiot's Guide to Surviving Your First Break Up states that I should at least have her picture posted on my dart board, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Well, that and I don't own a dart board. It's not fair. All of my friends have at least one ex whom they hate passionately. I would settle for mild dislike. Maybe it's because we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend for only four days. I don't have any bad experiences to bring up. "Remember that one time you didn't laugh at my joke? You better believe I do!" I just realized that I am 21 years old and have only had one girlfriend, which lasted a grand total of four days. Wow! I wonder if guys can become old maids? I can already see myself in a retirement home playing shuffleboard by myself because all the hot, single eighty year old women, even the bald ones, are "washing their hair".\nBut at least the grandmas didn't ruin pop songs for me. Here are a few verses from Vertical Horizon's "Grey Sky Morning." \n"So you stole my world. Now I'm just a phony. Remembering the girl leaves me down and lonely ... But it's not so bad. You're only the best I ever had. You don't want me back. You're just the best I ever had. It may take some time to patch me up inside. But I can't take it so I run away and hide." \nThe disc jockey who played that on my way to work deserves a slow death at the hands of lawn gnomes. I had no idea pop music was so depressing until now. And there are millions of songs just like that. The entire genre of soft pop has been destroyed for me because of her. And what makes it worse is that I know deep inside she has done me a great favor. I now have a legitimate excuse for never listening to the Backstreet Boys again. At this rate I'm never going to be allowed back in the He-Man Woman Hater's Club. Which is sad because they throw really great parties. And after re-reading that paragraph, I believe I'd break up with me too.\nWhy can't I be furious like normal guys? I should be storming around screaming, "She had no right! I'm the best thing that ever happened to her! Who ate the last Hot Pocket?!" Instead, I'm calmly sitting at my computer making a rubber band ball why trying to think of the perfect ending. It seems you lucked out this time, Miss Amy.