A year later: America and me

Today is the one-year anniversary of a terrible tragedy that happened to America.\nFriday is the one-year anniversary of my first-ever date, a not-so terrible tragedy except if you happen to be said date.\nA look at how America and I have changed since:\nAmericans of all races, creed and cartoon preference are now more firmly united than ever in the belief that the U.S. should launch a pre-emptive strike on any nation that poses a threat to our security. This should serve as a warning to you Argentineans, Yugoslavians and Spaniards. We will not forget the World Basketball Championships so easily. Let's see how good you are at setting a pick against a cruise missile.\nI am now more firmly united than ever in the belief that juggling nine cats and Al Roker is far easier than dating.\nAmerica has become more cautious as evidenced by Airport Security. I got searched, not once, not twice but three times by security at the Evansville Regional Airport this summer. Obviously the first gander through my backpack at my CD Walkman and Spongebob Squarepants coloring book was not enough.\nI have become more cautious as evidenced by the fact that I cringe at the phrase, "You can take me home now."\nAmericans now better realize there are more important things than money, power and chocolate éclairs as baseball players proved this summer by settling for just being "I can swim in a pool full of Jell-O" filthy rich rather than being "I can swim in a pool full of caviar" filthy rich. That's a big difference, and I'm proud of the guys. Who really wants to swim in caviar anyway? Ewww.\nI now better realize there are more important things than finding your one true love such as the tremendous joy of using Jell-O, baseball and ewww in the same paragraph.\nAmericans are spending more time with their loved ones, even that crazy aunt who just sits and mumbles at family reunions unless she is spoken to and then she hisses in a menacing manner. Okay, maybe Americans are still avoiding her like the West Nile.\nI am spending more time watching George Clooney movies while wondering, "What does he have that I don't?" The answer, of course, being facial hair.\nAmerica has become fascinated by 24-hour news networks, which are constantly updating what is going on around the world through quick-moving ticker lines at the bottom of the screen that let Americans know important happenings like, "Andorran Man Realizes That Country Could Be Defeated By a Flock of Angry Sheep" and "Yasser Arafat Has Just Finished Using the Little Boys Room".\nI have become fascinated by the MTV show DISmissed, which proves that if you put three single and attractive young people in a room one of them will say the word "booty".\nAmerica has become a slightly better country since Sept. 11, though there is definitely more work that needs to be done in areas such as generosity and honesty (Corporate America's New Slogan: "It's only lying if you're a wooden puppet and your nose grows exactly 3.7 inches in length afterwards.")\nI have become a slightly more dateable person since Sept. 13, though there is definitely more work that needs to be done in areas such as getting a second date.\nOverall, it seems like America and I have learned quite a bit in the past year. Hopefully, this trend continues.