'Welcome to the Pander Zone!'

Another summer film season has come and gone, and as per usual, filmgoers suffered through the onslaught of derivative crap left in its wake. \nOf course, not everything sucked -- films better suited to a fall release ("About a Boy," "Insomnia" and "Road to Perdition"), art films ("Y Tu Mamá También" and "Full Frontal") and the occasional summer blockbuster with half a brain ("Spider-Man," "Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones," "The Bourne Identity," "Austin Powers in Goldmember" and "Signs") saved the Summer of 2002 from complete and utter cinematic failure.\nMany films bursting with talent and promise wound-up blowing the big one. \nRemember when the latest Adam Sandler flick was an event looked forward to by any self-respecting college kid, and not just meat-headed frat rats? That was before he churned-out saccharine bile like "Mr. Deeds," a movie that made even "Little Nicky" look respectable. Sandler veteran and all-around kick-ass character actor Steve Buscemi was underused, Sandler himself was an annoying pansy, Winona Ryder's push-up bra did better work than the klepto actress and the film's only redeeming moments came courtesy of tennis badboy John McEnroe's all-too-brief cameo and John Turturro's sleazy butler character. \nAnd what about "XXX," the mega-budget action extravaganza that was poised to make Vin Diesel a bonafide star worthy of his inflated $20 million salary? Diesel, the folically challenged muscle mass who made quite an impression in last summer's guilty pleasure "The Fast and the Furious," stars as Xander Cage, a clichéd X-Gamer who's anti-smoking and selling-out, and pro booty and bungie. Diesel's Cage has one-liners that would make Arnie and Sly blush with embarrassment i.e. "Welcome to the Xander Zone!" The only thing Diesel's "done for his country" is star in this crappy schlockfest that manages to make even Samuel L. Jackson look bad, but hey, he was "born for this shit." Ian Fleming is currently rolling in his grave.\nOther summer movies that sucked include the ineptly made gangland drama "Deuces Wild," the Diane Lane/Richard Gere adultery epic "Unfaithful" and the strictly commercial and at 88 minutes all-too-long "MIB II." (Any live-action flick in which a talking pug and a bunch of worm puppets upstage human actors usually means trouble.) And even the Spielberg/Cruise collaboration "Minority Report" underperformed in the midst of its hype. (We understand, Stevie. You want to be Kubrick, but it ain't gonna happen.)\nThese movies sucked, but I'm sure there was worse crap out there. Flicks such as "Like Mike," "The Country Bears," "The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course" and the big, bad flaming bag of dog poo otherwise known "Scooby-Doo" must have dumbed-down an already stupid generation of children weaned off Barney. And while I'm at, Stuart Little belongs in a mouse trap! "Juwanna Mann" must have done for the WNBA what "The Crying Game" did for international intrigue, Chris Rock and Anthony Hopkins put the 'bad' in "Bad Company" and not even Mary, mother of Jesus, could coerce me into seeing "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" -- I lack the anatomy essential to enjoying this dreck.\nWith fall comes a whole slew of new movies, most of which are prestige pics vying for Oscar glory. Productions overseen by such skillful directors such as Curtis Hanson ("8 Mile"), Paul Thomas Anderson ("Punchdrunk Love"), Steven Soderbergh ("Solaris"), Martin Scorsese ("Gangs of New York"), Spike Jonze ("Adaptation"), Spike Lee ("The 25th Hour"), Peter Jackson ("The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers") and yes, even Steven Spielberg ("Catch Me If You Can") will be hitting the multi-plex this fall. And justly, I'll be covering these works and other facets within the realm of cinema this fall with my bi-weekly column, "Tenacious A." This is a no-b.s. look into what film is really all about.\nI never thought I'd say this, but I'm looking forward to the start of fall, even if it entails classes. At least this summer of moronic pandering to the masses cinema will have died, and with it the chrome-domed machismo of "XXX," the titular cross-dressing b-baller of "Juwanna Mann," the comic ineptitude of Sandler's "Mr. Deeds" and every celluloid talking animal will be banished into the third ring of hell. Finally, it's safe to return to the movies.