Girls Gone Wild?

Upon purchasing Girls Gone Wild: Gone Wild on Campus, I expected to see some familiar faces. I was prepared for good times, and of course, some going wild.\nBut what I received was appalling.\nFirst and foremost, the girls on the video were only truly going wild for a small portion of the tape. The majority of the time was filled with clips of girls hesitantly thinking about going wild, girls going silly and girls teetering on the verge of going crazy. "Wild" would not be the word I'd use to describe any of the "going" whatsoever.\nStill, my outlook remained positive. I couldn't bear to think that the good people over at the GGW studios had intended to swindle me of my honest money without providing the service they'd offered.\nHow green I found myself to be.\nIt was last night that my faith in the voyeur porn industry surrendered to that which splinters the faith of all good believers everywhere: facts.\nI was watching a promotional commercial for the product late on TV that included some of the less shocking moments shown on the tape -- a backstage tour, so to speak. And to my surprise, I discovered that the natural and candid portrayal of the girls at least heading toward the vicinity of wild was a complete and utter hoax.\nThese girls were not going wild of their own free will. They were not precocious nymphets frolicking under the street lamps of Bourbon Street for their own enjoyment. These were girls participating in a barter economy!\nWhen it came to the choice between going wild and carrying on with their evening as they would any other, the GGW staff would bribe these innocents with beads and souvenir t-shirts. Obviously wild was the option chosen! Many of these girls lacked shirts to begin with, and the offer of fresh new GGW gear would be too much for even this columnist to resist.\nIt was then that my investigation began. Not only had the girls received graft for their actions, but ringers were brought in as well. Several professional wild girls were thrown into the mix by the studio to influence the more impressionable novices in the crowds.\nWhat I put before you today is this: What effect will this have on the going wild here on campus and in our hometowns?\nIt seems yet again, the industrial giant's force has muscled the local competition out of the running, merely for the production of some mass produced, mediocre quality product.\nIn the days of home-grown voyeur videos, girls would go wild on a fancy. The natural methods of alcohol and Al Greene would conjure up the spirits of wild in our co-workers and neighbors at office parties and wedding receptions, and it could all be captured by our own personal Polaroid or handheld digital cameras -- without additional shipping and handling costs.\nBut now, without the riches of the industrial behemoths, the survival rates for local wild actions, and even zany antics, has plummeted. \nSo I urge you good citizens, to shun the money mongers of GGW. For your excitements of the flesh, go to your local butcher shop and view the only meat that should be treated as such. And if you choose to go wild, take Polonius' advice and be true to yourself. Make sure you're going wild for the right reasons. Don't be a sell-out.\nDo it because you are wild. \nBe you.