What one can assume

I was planning on writing a serious column this week, but unfortunately I have no idea what has gone on in the world lately since I stopped using the Internet and watching the O'Reilly Factor a couple of weeks ago. \nOne can assume the Israelis and Palestinians are still killing each other and that Saddam has said something to the effect of "I hate America. I don't even know what a nuclear weapon is, is it a kind of cheese? Does anyone know where I can get a decent mustache trimmer?"\nOne can also assume that the War on Terror is still going on and that Osama is still in the unnatural state of being unsure of whether he is dead or not. I almost feel sorry for the guy. It must suck not being able to buy a decent roll of toilet paper. But then I remember that he's responsible for thousands of deaths, and I don't feel so bad anymore.\nSpeaking of responsibility, more than tens of thousands of Africans have probably died needless deaths since I last read a newspaper sometime around the Fourth of July. And the funny thing is (I'm a humor columnist and thus supposed to know funny things) that it seems no one cares and that no one ever will. Not that I can say much. The most I've ever done for Africa is finishing my meal so as to not hurt the feelings of some poor Ethiopian.\nIt's not my job to write serious anyway, so I'm not sure why I even wanted to. For the most part, I think the student body would prefer to read about an embarrassing incident involving Cheese Whiz and a Dalmatian (Just wait. One day I will write a column on that topic) over a piece blasting campaign finance reform. I know I would. How important is it to be informed anyway?\nSadly, I'm proof that it is very important. Could you imagine a world filled with Joe Graces? Nothing would ever get done because everybody would be outside watching chipmunks. \nSeriously, I have the utmost respect for my fellow columnists at the IDS. One, it seems they have the unnatural ability to complete a thought and write a cohesive article (to tell the truth, I no longer remember what my opening sentence is). Second, it always brings a smile to my face to look into the opinion page and read an article slamming our government and culture. Not so much because I agree with them, but it's nice to know we live in a country where making fun of our leaders is completely acceptable and even approved. \nWhy did George W. Bush cross the road? Because an advisor told him to. And that right there is proof that I should never be a political humorist. A funnier punch line would have involved Jell-O and a runaway mannequin and probably wouldn't have anything to do with our president. But I don't feel like thinking of it right now.\nSometimes, I wish I could write like the other columnists and make grandiose claims concerning current events. I would have great headlines like "Joe Grace Attacks the Toilet Industry" and would be feared by the local government. But I have to accept the fact that I'm best at writing about things that really aren't important unless for some odd reason you own stock in Joe Grace's Life. And I hope that none of you do.