Vitale isn't vital

I don't know how you can fill out your NCAA Tournament brackets.\nLike all college basketball fans, I was all geared up on Selection Sunday for all the stuff by which a season is ultimately decided -- pairings, locations, game times and seedings. Finally, all the vital info is disseminated to the world, I turned to ESPN for some reaction and then something happened, and I could no longer fill out my bracket sheet.\nDick Vitale said something so unbelievably hypocritical, and I laughed so hard as soon as he said it that I banged my head on the coffee table in my living room and knocked myself unconscious. Thank goodness my friend was there to administer the tournament tourniquet. After all, we all have to get used to the cliche "stop the bleeding" sooner or later.\nAnyway, Vitale actually said that conferences should have no more than five teams max and that he was for the "little guy" because he used to be a "little guy" when he coached at the University of Detroit from 1973-1977. Huh?\nVitale hyping the "little guy" is sort of like Britney Spears hyping breast reduction surgery. If anything, Vitale has been the biggest promoter for the "big guy" that college basketball has ever seen. The "biggest guy" in college basketball is Duke, and Vitale has fawned over the Blue Devils so much that many wonder if Vitale engages in self-parody. And may I add that anybody who would accuse Vitale of engaging in self-parody gives him far too much credit.\nVitale likes to say he never says anything bad about Duke because there is nothing bad to say about Duke. Maybe so, but has anybody ever alerted him to the other 323 schools playing Division I college basketball?\nFor example, Vitale sat in the ESPN studios last weekend with Digger "Gettin' It Done" Phelps and Chris Fowler, and while Phelps and Fowler are trying to analyze the Texas Longhorns, sure enough Vitale turns the conversation to Duke, mentioning that Texas guard T.J. Ford and Duke guard Daniel Ewing were high school teammates. What does that have to do with anything?\nA player goes in for a fast-break dunk in a game, and Vitale reminds us that Jason Williams is the best finisher in college basketball. Not only is that wrong -- Freddie Jones of Oregon is the best finisher in college basketball -- but it is further proof that Vitale has no frame of reference outside Duke.\nCheck that. He also knows "The General" Robert Montgomery Knight. Not Bob Knight. It's "The General" Robert Montgomery Knight, spat out with spastic enthusiasm. I wonder if he would ever call me "The Sportswriter" Val George Tsoutsouris.\nVitale's ceaseless praise and defense of coaches named Knight and otherwise is borderline sickening. Can a coach in Vitale's world ever do wrong? Is it possible that Matt Doherty did a terrible job this year coaching North Carolina? Is it possible that UNC's 0-14 record against teams in this year's NCAA Tournament reflects poorly on the coach given the Tar Heels' remarkable record of success?\nNot if you listen to Vitale. According to Vitale, Doherty has great "passion" for his work when he desperately and vainly tries to rev up the crowd after practically every basket at home by waving his arms like an ostrich.\nOnce again, Vitale dipped his hypocritical wounds in salt brine last Saturday. After whining about his no-more-than-five-teams-in-any-conference rule all week, Missouri, the sixth-place team in the Big Twelve, makes the Sweet Sixteen.\nThat he didn't acknowledge that Missouri serves as proof that maybe more than five teams deserve to go from a particular conference and admit that he was wrong is one thing. Instead, he launched a passionate defense against Missouri coach Quin Snyder's critics. Who these critics are or why they were criticizing Snyder was something we were left to wonder. Then, he said that Missouri, a No. 12 seed, had more talent than Ohio State, a No. 4 seed, after the Tigers vanquished the Buckeyes in the second round.\nWell, Dickie V, if Missouri has more talent yet is seeded eight spots lower, isn't it reasonable to conclude that maybe Snyder is not the greatest coach?\nOh, did I mention that Snyder is a former Duke player and assistant coach?\nAll I can say about Vitale after watching too much of him over the NCAA Tournament's first four days is that I am glad he is not a defense attorney in London. If a college basketball coach was found to be Jack the Ripper and Vitale was defending him, he would probably say the victims had it coming.\nWorse yet, there are no brackets in England.