The joys of summer camp

Around this time last year I got a phone call asking me if I wanted a job. "Of course," I replied, not even paying attention to who it was on the phone. As it turns out, it was a summer camp at which I had applied to be a mountain bike instructor. I was fairly excited until I realized one thing: there would be children there and I might have to be responsible for them.\nSo when June finally came around, I packed up the essentials (child repellent and multiple prescriptions of sleeping pills) and headed to northeastern Pennsylvania, having no clue what was in store during the next eight weeks.\nThe first sign of trouble came when I found that I did not fit within the confines of the bathrooms there. I went in, sat down and attempted to close the door. I tried defying the laws of physics, but no matter how high I lifted my knees, that door wouldn't close. I think my co-workers found it a little odd that I'd suddenly sprint off to some distant corner of the woods everyday for a few minutes. Little did they know I just had to go to the bathroom. \nIf finding an appropriate place to relieve myself was a problem, dealing with 13 children was going to be a crisis.\nI have been scared many times, but the terror you face when 13 screaming children come hurtling out of a bus with 127 pieces of luggage each is almost indescribable. My mom, who is a teacher, thought I would come away from the experience having a greater appreciation for children. I came away with a greater appreciation for vasectomies.\nAnother counselor and I lived with 13 of them, day and night, night and day, never a waking moment away from those little twerps. I've never come closer to a mental breakdown. There were some fun moments in those two months, but I must admit I did come away with a new appreciation of modern birth control. There is no better reason to not have children than to live with one for any period of time longer than three minutes.\nMy fellow counselor and I somehow managed to survive living among people with the same sanitary habits as sewer rats. One of our kids brushed his teeth only once during a five-week stretch. It was as if soap was magnetically repelled from their dirty little hands. We all managed to have a lot of fun, but there was something missing. As I looked at other counselors smiling and laughing with their kids, I was researching Pennsylvania state law to see if the words "duct tape" were ever mentioned.\nMy key to the summer came in a small package. His name was Feibus (rhymes with "dweebus" -- imagine the possibilities). That was his last name, but for some reason I liked it so much I decided to use it as an official title. From upstate New York, Feibus was a sarcastic 10-year old whose summer hobbies included baseball, hockey and punching me in the genitals. \nFor some reason, he was one of the few children I liked. His sense of humor was absolutely hysterical. I even got him to do a cover of Phish's "Gotta Jibboo" for a talent show which, to my knowledge, was the funniest moment in the history of mankind. \nBut don't be fooled -- he was evil. Children are dangerous, let me tell you. They steal your stuff, pour Ajax on your clothes and then find a way to steal more of your stuff. Nevertheless, I will never forget my favorite moment from that summer.\nAfter a frustrating day, I was on the verge of either blowing up or quitting. I had my bags packed; I was ready to get out of that place. As I stormed out of our cabin, Feibus, in the pitch of voice only a 10-year-old boy can make, screamed at the top of his lungs, "The Pacers suck!" \nI couldn't help but start laughing. This kid was just like me. At that moment, I put myself in his shoes. Ten years old, away from home for two months, expected to listen to some guy from Indiana for a whole summer. I don't know how they made it. At their age, I doubt I could've survived in that place for too long.\nAs I went back in the bunk, I had a new sense of purpose, a new perspective on life. Everything suddenly made sense. I finally felt connected to my kids after all those long days in the sun. Feibus, sensing an opportunity to connect more than most, walked up to me, looked me straight in the eyes and delivered a swift punch to my crotch.\nMaybe that vasectomy won't be needed after all.