Songs that will send me to hell

Like most music fans, there are certain artists and albums I wouldn't listen to for anything. Take, for example, Lynyrd Skynyrd. I wouldn't listen to those talentless crackers even if doing so would, say, get me a date with Gillian Anderson or put George Clinton in the White House. However, I am also human. I have human weaknesses, personal failings that irritate and embarass me. This means that every once in a while, I find myself liking a song or album by an artist I would otherwise despise. Even as I derive pleasure from listening to such songs my insides are tied into knots of shame and self-loathing. That's why I call them guilty pleasures. It's music I know I should hate, but for some reason I'm still drawn to it like a pigeon to a freshly waxed car. The list is nothing short of frightening:\n"Ray of Light," Madonna\nNormally, I would shrug off Madonna as the screeching, two-bit whore she is. However, this one song turns my whole world upside down. Because I like it, I feel like my musical sensibilities have been scrambled and convoluted. I don't know what's real anymore. It pains me very much to admit I like a Madonna song. If I were Catholic, I'd be repenting every week.\n"Already Gone," the Eagles\nThe knowledge that the Eagles continue to plague modern society keeps me awake at night. I almost had a coronary when the band was elected to the Rock 'n' Roll of Fame. But this song actually kicks butt, which is surprising, since it was recorded by a bunch of sunstroked, California pansies.\nMotley Crue's Too Fast For Love\nLike most people of normal intellectual capacity, I outgrew the Crue in junior high school. However, the band's debut album has a surprisingly raw and punky streak to it that actually makes it kind of listenable. It's too bad these clowns took the fluff-metal path instead of the punk one.\n"Renegade," Styx\nFor some bewildering reason Styx was really popular in the '70s and '80s. My guess is that Dennis DeYoung sold his soul to the devil, a transaction that cursed humankind with "Lady," "Come Sail Away" and "Mr. Roboto." But "Renegade" is a rockin' little number that almost makes you forget that the rest of the Pieces of Eight album is total crap.\n"Heaven Is a Place on Earth," Belinda Carlisle\nMs. Carlisle should have just given up music altogether after leaving the Go-Gos. But, unfortunately, she didn't, and American society suffered for it. However, "Heaven" is just one of those catchy, well-written pop songs that gets under your skin and plants itself in your head. It makes you long for a lobotomy.\n"Sugar Sugar," the Archies\nThe Archies were an embarassment to rock 'n' roll fans everywhere. They were a completely made up group based on a comic book. They somehow made the Monkees look good. Despite the insulting concept behind the band, "Sugar Sugar" is a pop gem. (Tip: Check out Wilson Pickett's version of it.)\n"Breakfast in America," Supertramp\nWas there any wussier '70s group than Supertramp? Roger Hogsdon sounded like he had been castrated with a weed whacker. But this song, found on the album of the same name, was catchy and somewhat socially relevant.\n"These Boots," Nancy Sinatra\nThis offspring of music royalty had very little talent but was blessed with a hot body and a sultry song that fit her near-monotone vocals perfectly. (Another tip: Check out Megadeth's version of it.)\nThis is, of course, an abbreviated list of my guilty pleasures. There are many more sinful songs that will send me to hell, but I'd rather keep those buried deep within the twisted recesses of my mind. So please, if you ever see me singing "Ray of Light," do the humane thing and put me out of my misery, preferably with a baseball bat to the head.