Never trust talking giraffes

I'm about to turn 21.\nI'm supposed to be excited.\nInstead, I'm scared out of my mind.\nFirst, my mom is planning the party, which brings back terrifying childhood recollections of "Pin the tail on the nose of whoever is on this month's Vogue cover" and "Bobbing for tennis balls." I know that my mother shouldn't be in charge, but if my friends did the planning, I fear I'd end up in a Mexican prison with a one-legged midget named Raul. Since my Spanish is a little rusty, I don't think I want that.\nMe: Donde es la casa de Pepe. Por favor. Guten Tag! Aloha!\nRaul: Guard!\nBut the party is the least of my concerns.\nTurning 21 means that I'll officially be an adult. Those of you who regularly read my columns know that I have no business becoming an adult. My last purchase was a Scooby Doo coloring book. My idea of a good time is playing in the pool with an alligator float. I still think Mickey Mouse is cool. I received a cootie shot less than a week ago.\nI shouldn't have even been allowed to turn 13.\nBut the "powers that be" (Bill Gates, Ted Turner and Spam) have decided to let me become an adult and there is nothing I can do about it.\nI can't even think of a single good thing about turning 21.\nI don't drink because frankly a drunk Joe Grace would pose a national security threat to the United States.\nI can now get into dance clubs, which only gives me a brand new way to embarrass myself on Friday evenings.\nOld Way: "Look at me! I'm by myself in the dorms watching Nick at Night!"\nNew Way: "Look at me! I'm by myself in Seymour watching Nick at Night because I got lost on the way to the dance club!"\nThe Way: Popular song by Fastball.\nAnother "benefit" to turning 21 is that I'm now allowed to gamble. Wonderful! I'm already a poor college student. Now I can be a dirt poor college student. Never underestimate the difference between poor and dirt poor. It's kind of like the difference between double-wide and "Maybe next year we can get wheels on this baby!"\nBeing 20 has been wonderful. I've loved living in this mysterious void between teenager and adult. It's like that blissful time after waking up and before getting out of bed. Or like sitting in the dentist's office with a good magazine. Or like sucking helium from a balloon. Okay, it's nothing like sucking helium from a balloon. I think I just got carried away there.\n In fact, being 20 has been so great, I think I'll be 20 for another year. I'll forego all the "extras" people get from turning 21 and spend the next year, once again, as a bright-eyed 20-year old. There's only one problem with this scenario.\n IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!\n It's also ludicrous and extremely stupid, but I liked the word "impossible" capitalized more. It has a certain pizzazz to it. PIZZAZZ. Ooh. I like that too. \nSo, once again it seems that I can't change my destiny and will be forced to become an adult like everyone else. I remember when I was five and promised by a certain talking giraffe that I didn't have to grow up because I was a Toys R' Us kid. I now know it was just a lie. Which goes to prove that you should never trust a talking giraffe. Nobody can save you from adulthood.