Stop poison ivy before it's too late

A hero is needed.\nSomeone brave, strong, intelligent -- and most importantly, blessed with the ability to mercilessly destroy all the poison ivy on this planet.\nForget the endangered species list, oil drilling in Alaska and the depleting ozone layer. Poison ivy is the menace that poses the greatest threat to the survival of the human species at the moment. I'm supposed to be going to a water park tomorrow and I am positive that walking around shirtless with red, oozing bumps will ensure that my genes will never be passed on.\nI fear the worst.\nI fear that poison ivy (Rhus rudicans) will one day become smart poison ivy (Rhus rudicans doogie howserans). When this dreaded day occurs, it will be a scenario worse than Armageddon 2: Affleck Saves Tokyo. I imagine a world ruled by genius poison ivy with humans running rampant through weeds of stinging nettles covered from head to toe with red,oozing dots. A world where we are enslaved and forced to bring our poison ivy masters shiny objects like dimes and Moby's forehead. \nA world where IU basketball has been replaced by a sport in which students run through a giant trap-filled maze toward a 5 oz. bottle of calamine lotion. We need to stop the evil, itchy plant before it becomes too late. I'm calling on the entire human race to stop fighting and bickering over silly matters like territory and who ate the last Oreo so that they can join hands in a concerted effort to rid Earth of this growing peril.\nI'm asking Palestinians, Israelis, Pakistanis, Indians, Americans, Afghans, Iraqis and even Osama to take a look at the bigger picture: a giant Dali-esque portrait of a haggard-looking green plant with three leaves, a bad attitude and a thirst for human suffering.\nUntil that happens, though, it's going to be up to concerned individuals to root out poison ivy where it lurks. It's a sneaky devil, so be careful. Be sure to wear gloves when handling poison ivy as you would items bought at K-Mart. Don't burn poison ivy unless you enjoy having the insides of your lungs itch. Absolutely do not make decorative wreaths out of poison ivy unless as a gift to an ex-boyfriend, and he had better have done something seriously terrible like impregnating a one-legged lawn gnome to deserve that.\nMeanwhile, I'm still suffering from an unprovoked poison ivy attack. If this continues, I may have to look in the classifieds to see if any cat-owners are looking for a human scratching post. The reddish bumps scattered across my body are begging me to scratch myself to death. But then I would be giving in to the enemy.\n It could be worse. I could have poison ivy and chicken pox at the same time, which is what happens to little children who refuse to admit that Mister Rogers is the greatest children's television show host of all time. And don't try to tell me Captain Kangaroo was better. Never trust a man named after a marsupial, especially if he is known as Senor Koala. Take my word on this.\nWell, you all now know of the imminent danger poison ivy presents. But also remember that there are even shadier, more vile characters out there in nature. Don't even get me started on chipmunks. The nightmarish, commie rodents bent on world domination. It's a scary world.