Relationship guru to the rescue

Joe Grace is busy doing homework that was due a month ago, so this week's column will be written by his very good friend Murdock Spillman, Relationship Guru.\nQ: Murdock, I really, really like this girl, but she's going back to India after school ends. I'm from Cleveland and plan on moving back after graduation. Should I tell her my feelings or just let them slide since it will be impossible for us to be together? \nA: You're from Cleveland? I'm sorry.\nQ: What's this I hear about the Top Gun technique for getting girls at parties? \nA: The Top Gun method includes having friends block possible detractors while you go after the primary target. It doesn't work. This myth is backed up by the idea that women like the movie "Top Gun" and are attracted to delusional guys who pretend to be fighter pilots. I don't care how many "wingmen" you have, yelling out "I've got a bogey on my six!" when her friend comes near is a sure-fire conversation killer.\nQ: Why are all men jerks, Murdock? \nA: Scientists are working frantically to find the answer to this daunting question and have thus far come up with two plausible solutions: \n1.) There is a chemical imbalance in men's bodies that causes them to cheat, harass, get defensive, etc.\n 2.) Something to do with a beer bong (the scientists were way too wasted at the moment to think this idea all the way through…and to call their wives to tell them they'd be home late, the jerks).\nQ: What's the best way to tell a guy/girl that you like him/her? \nA: Most people would tell you that the straightforward method works best, but I have to disagree. I've always thought the best way to reveal your feelings is through an elaborate ruse using stuffed wallabies and an electric can opener. Believe me, it works every time.\nQ: Hey, Guru, why doesn't your buddy Joe Grace have a girlfriend? \nA: Because unlike me, Joe Grace does not understand the intangible benefits of stuffed wallabies and an electric can opener. \nQ: I've figured out the stuffed wallabies part, but I'm struggling to figure out what the electric can opener is for.\nA: For opening cans, silly.\nQ: I've been dating this girl for three weeks now and I'm not sure if she's girlfriend material or not. Any ideas, Mr. Spillman? \nA: There is only one way to tell if someone is boyfriend/girlfriend material. Ask yourself this question: When I'm around (fill in blank), does it feel like Fat Albert is doing jumping jacks in the pit of my stomach? If the answer to this question is yes, please go see a doctor immediately, because I'm pretty sure Fat Albert does not belong in the pit of your stomach. Or anywhere else in your body, for that matter.\nQ: I'm madly in love with this guy and he won't have anything to do with me. How can I change to win him over?\nA: If a guy doesn't like you for who you are, then forget about him. He's not worth it. Stay your beautiful self. And then make a doll of this guy and burn it in effigy. I'm not really sure what effigy is, but I know it's absolutely great for burning stuff in. But if for some reason he internally combusts, yes, it is your fault.\nJoe Grace is most definitely not responsible for the consequences of inanely following any advice Murdock Spillman, Relationship Guru, may have given.