Big bang bald monkey theory

Dead week is always strange for me.\nThe combination of a small break from class work and the impending doom of finals seems to really mess up the wiring in my brain. The results can be disastrous.\nLet's backtrack four months to last December. During the week before fall semester finals, I tried dying my hair blonde for the first time in my life and I asked a girl out using a stuffed shark. Strangely enough, neither one panned out the way I had planned. \nMy hair remained a muppet-like orange color for about a month, while the shark thing…well…that was just weird. (This is, once again, something I probably shouldn't have published for the entire campus to read, but it's obvious by now that I'm never going to learn that lesson.)\nSo far this week, I've already tried to give myself a mole like Enrique Iglesias using a brown dry-erase board marker (it's a well known fact that the mole on the right side of his face is the key to his success...without it, he'd be just another Cheech Marin). So far, the faux mole doesn't have Jennifer Love Hewitt pounding on my dorm room door to make a video with me (music video you sick freaks), but there's still hope. Word just hasn't gotten around yet.\nI've also taken to wearing a do-rag.\nTake a good, long look at the picture next to this column and mentally put a do-rag on the person's head. Draw one if you have artistic ability. Now pick yourself up off the floor. It's not that funny. (Note to readers: the word is pronounced doo-rag; I went around earlier calling it a doe-rag only to find out that wearing a bandanna in this style has absolutely nothing to do with the female deer.)\nThe do-rag started to bother my head, though, so I decided to wear the red bandanna ninja style instead. I peeked into the mirror to see how it looked and found myself staring at a pathetic-looking Ralph Macchio wannabe with a rapidly disintegrating brown mole on his face. The bandanna quickly came off. Yes, even I have my stopping points.\nI probably should be studying for finals instead of acting like a lunatic. But I don't get paid to study for finals, while I do get paid for acting like a lunatic and writing about it in the paper. This phenomenon is commonly known as the Big Bang Bald Monkey Theory. (I really should be studying for finals.)\nThere are still two more days left in dead week including today. This is a scary thought for the people that live on my floor. This is a scary thought for the entire IU campus because there have to be others like me. Well, maybe. Students who just have to go a little loopy during that long week before finals. Students who start dreaming up ways of how to incorporate animals that have no place being stuffed (i.e., sharks, emus, plankton, teletubbies, etc.) with dating. Students who really should be locked in their rooms during dead week.\nOkay, well I have to go because I think someone is knocking on my door and it could be Jennifer Love Hewitt. Or a lawn gnome. That would probably make more sense this week.