Bloomington's gonna have a baby

In two more days, I will be lying on a sandy beach (is there any other kind?) basking in the Florida sun's glorious rays more than 1,000 miles away from Bloomington and her perpetual weather mood swings.\nThere is something seriously wrong with a city that is 70 degrees one day but can be laced with snow and filled with a wind that can completely numb a human face in five minutes the next. I went outside without a hat the other day and in response, my ears decided to go on strike until I broke down and bought a pair of earmuffs. Luckily, ears are stupid and don't have eyes so I tricked them by cupping my hands over both of them for a couple of minutes.\nStill, I wouldn't have to mess with earmuffs or any of this at all if the lovely city surrounding IU would just remain around the same temperature for more than two days in a row.\nI think I know why it refuses to do so, though.\nBloomington is pregnant. We're going to have a baby! Soon, a small, pinkish village will spring forth from B-town's womb and join the scores of other Podunk towns (definition: any city, burg, landfill, etc. that could possibly be the birthplace of John Mellencamp or Hank Williams Jr.) that litter the mighty vista of Indiana's landscape.\nAnd I fully plan on not being anywhere near this city when that terrible event happens.\nAnd this is completely ridiculous.\nI really did intend for this column to be about Spring Break, and I'm not too sure how it ended up here. I lose track of what I'm doing way too easily. I have the same problem with objects.\nFor example, last Saturday night I lost a ring that was very important to me because I was stupid enough to wear it when I went out. I knew better than to do that. The same principle applies to me and dating, because I know I'm going to do something inane like shutting the door on her coat or taking her to a pet store where she'll end up being bitten by a white ferret named Mike, just because I'll suggest that she rub his soft, furry and unfortunately incredibly sensitive belly.\nI miss my ring terribly already. When I was younger, I used to use it to pretend I was the sixth Planeteer from the ill-famed cartoon Captain Planet and the Planeteers. \n (The series came to a tragic and umtimely end after Captain Planet developed a nasty LSD habit. He was last seen in a Brazilian rain forest trying to get a buzz from licking poison dart frogs.) For fun, I would point the blue stone in my ring at friends, just like the Planeteers. \n Unfortunately, while they had cool powers like wind and fire, my ring's power seemed limited to extreme dorkiness. But at least it was highly effective.\nNow my poor ring is lying around somewhere, possibly all alone, in this weirdly pregnant city and that disconcerts me. I just hope that if I never get it back, at least it will chance into the hands of someone who will cherish it as much as I did. And may their grimy little hands rot off for stealing it from me.\nSeriously though, it's probably someplace in my room playing a fantastically fun game of hide and seek with me. At least it's not pregnant.