Warning: Tinkling may result

I am happy to say that thus far, I have not caused any bowel movements in my readers.\nUnfortunately, the same cannot be said for the body's other waste removal system.\nI appreciate receiving mail as much as the next neurotic humor columnist. However, I must say that the ones concerning me causing young adults to almost "pee" their pants are starting to become disconcerting.\nFirst, I had no idea I had that kind of power. Imagine the possibilities.\nMe: One time, when I was walking, I fell down.\nGeorge W. Bush: Really? (starts becoming fidgety)\nMe: Yeah, and then another time, when I was walking, I fell down again.\nGeorge W. Bush: You don't say. (starts jumping up and down in place)\nMe: My cat likes pretzels.\nGeorge W. Bush: I gotta go. (runs to bathroom)\nSecret Service Agent: Don't you ever do that to the president again!\nOK, stop imagining the possibilities, and never imagine them again.\nI just realized I'm writing a column about "pee." I really don't care to know what that says about me. (For the rest of this column, "pee" will be replaced with "tinkle." There is no justifiable reason for this.)\nSecond, my columns are not intended to cause "tinkling." In fact, I'm seriously considering asking the editors to put a note in front of my column warning that "This Column May Just Cause You To Tinkle. Do Not Read If You Have Poor Control Of Your Tinkling System." Better safe than sorry. Or wet.\nThird, even though this may make me an insensitive guy, I really, really do not wish to know when somebody almost has to go "tinkle." It's not that I don't care. It's more along the lines of "tinkling" being kind of gross.\nNow, I don't mind receiving mail saying that I almost caused a person to hiccup. That is completely OK. However, if my columns do cause you to hiccup, I'm afraid there may be something wrong with you. It's not a bad thing. Just get that checked out. And if the doctor asks for a "tinkle" sample (I would love to hear one of the doctors on "E.R." call it "tinkle"), you can always try reading my column to help you out.\nSo, you may be wondering what exactly you can write to Joe Grace. Obviously, he doesn't want to know if you have to "tinkle." He has also just now started referring to himself in the third person, so you can mention that if you want. If nothing else, you can call him names, just please not Martha Stewart. Anything but Martha Stewart.\n I wonder if Martha Stewart can cause people to "tinkle." I've never tried one of her liquid concoctions, but I'm guessing it will pass through my system like other drinks, thus causing me to "tinkle." Oh, no! Martha Stewart can cause me to "tinkle." That is horrifying to know. I share a trait with Martha Stewart. Well, at least I don't work for K-Mart.\n"Tinkling" is a necessary part of life. We all do it. We do not, however, have to write to our local newspaper to verify that fact. Unless your "tinkle" can cure cancer or fight crime or something cool like that, then it is perfectly acceptable to write a letter about it. But it is still a tad bit weird.