Want to win an IUSA election? Here are a few tips

I guess only 16 percent of the student population is reading this column right now. That's the number of students who actually cared enough, or were harassed by friends enough, to vote in last year's IUSA election. Here's some advice I've accumulated in my many years at IU for this year's and next year's IUSA candidates.\nTICKET NAME\nThe first step in winning an IUSA election is thinking up a really cool and clever name. This is the key to victory, so a lot of thought should be put into it. First take your ticket member's initials, and try to spell something really neat with them. For example, if your candidates' names were Alford, Mitchell, Eisenger and Lafarty, your ticket could be called LAME. (Perfect for IUSA.)\nIf your initials unfortunately don't spell anything cool, try to arrange them in an ear-pleasing manner. If that doesn't work then it's time to pick a really meaningful word to represent you. This year's tickets used this very method. Here's some suggestions for next year: Dream, Heart, Desire, Electric or Inspire.\nCAMPAIGN\nNow that you have your name picked out, its time to start campaigning. Grab your sidewalk chalk. Oh wait, thank god that's stopped. Instead, make lots of crappy looking signs that will litter campus while driving students to go vote for you. Also, find the coolest greek house and talk it into hanging a giant banner outside of the house. This works because greeks are so cool and everyone wants to be like them.\nAnnounce that you will be tackling these issues: Alcohol, tuition, parking and better food choices on campus. These are fail-safe issues, and no other tickets will think to use them. \nAnother great political move is to swear that you aren't participating in IUSA to beef up your resume. You're doing this because you want to make life better for your fellow students. Also say people who run in IUSA for personal gain make you sick. \nIf you've been in IUSA before, brag about the accomplishments of your platforms. Tell everyone about how you got more clocks placed throughout campus and also incurred a $27 bus fee to every student -- including the thousands who don't ride the buses. This way the people who do ride the buses can appreciate the fact you got other people to pitch in for their ride. \nCHEAT, CHEAT, CHEAT\nI cannot stress this enough. Cheating is another important key to unlocking victory in an IUSA election. If you see other campaign's posters, make sure no one is looking and tear them down. \nYou can also research election rules for loopholes that enable you to disqualify competing tickets from the election. The fewer tickets you have to beat, the better your odds are of winning.\nThe most important part of cheating are Social Security numbers. The more of these you have, the more times you can go online and vote for your ticket. Go to fraternities, sororities and dorm floors and collect as many Social Security numbers as you can. Whoever gets the most, wins.\nELECTION DAY\nYou've worked hard to get here, don't blow it now. Get some other cronies from your ticket and head to the Union. Stop as many people as you can, hand them a flier bearing your ticket's name, and say "Vote for the DORK ticket, we want to represent you!"\nNow, the key to handing out flyers is to annoy passersby as much as possible. If they start walking a different path to avoid you, chase them down. Take lessons from the Ad Sheet guys.\nPOST ELECTION\nIf you've won, throw a party. Buy a keg and set it on your front porch in plain view of the Little 500 party patrol. Make sure to blow good and hard on the breathalizer; then threaten to sue the IDS when it prints your name. But hey, you won, and it's time to get nothing important accomplished for a whole year. (Despite my negativity, this year's administration has accomplished the most I've seen. It's still not much, though.)\nIf you've lost, protest. Go find a winner's campaign poster and place it over one of yours. Then show the proper officials and protest the elections. Another effective method is to tear down your own posters and blame another ticket. Also accuse the winning ticket of every cheating method that I suggested above, even if you get caught doing it, too. With a little luck, the elections will be overturned and the madness can start again.\nHopefully these tips help future IUSA candidates take a victorious step into student government.