Pointers for party-goers

I was at a party last weekend. There I was, minding my own business and not giving anyone any trouble, and the next thing I knew two people dancing on a coffee table fell on top of me. Not only did they fall on me, but they also took the opportunity to empty their red plastic cups on my new shirt. \nTrue story. I'll refrain from releasing names. You know who you are. Needless to say, I didn't exactly help them up. But I debated about filling one of those red cups up and pouring it on the two of them. The girl slithered away red from embarrassment, but the guy begged me to join him for a dance on the coffee table.\nYou see, I'm training for Little 500. It's a well-known fact that if you partake in binge drinking the night before a 50-mile ride you will be walking your bike home after the first large hill. And for those of you who consider Fee Lane a hill, you don't yet know what you're talking about. I dare you to try the hills bikers tackle around Bloomington sometime. \nI don't drink, but that doesn't make me a complete loser, because I still like to party like a rock star. I just see a different, more sober side of party life. And frankly, it often annoys the crap out of me. It's also quite humorous. There are a few questions I have for individuals I've observed in my sober state.\n1. When are girls going to realize there is no future after a one-night stand? Well, there may be an occasional late night bootie call, but as far as a date, forget about it.\n2. Why must guys fight at parties? I can't count the number of times I've witnessed fights at fraternities. What a great way to show brotherly love and clear the house of females.\n3. Why do girls think throwing on a tube top and notorious tall black boots will find them a boyfriend? More than likely they will end up in a one-night stand.\n4. How can people pass out on a stranger's couch? It probably isn't a real great idea. Waking up in the morning on that couch is probably worse.\n5. Why do people let themselves get to the point-of-no-return, when drinking is no longer fun? Just the other night I watched some girl vomit on a random guy in the middle of a packed party. My friend with a good heart helped her to a bathroom. And we spent the next two hours keeping a stranger from falling into a bathtub and getting yelled at by an obnoxious girl who had to pee. When we realized her friends had departed like genuine friends do (sarcasm), we took her home. To the people who left her at the party: You suck.\n 6. When are girls going to realize taking a "tour" of a bedroom probably includes a little more than a walk around a room?\n 7. Why give out your digits when you're trashed? If the person actually calls, chances are he or she isn't exactly your dream date.\n 8. Why bother waiting in line to get to the keg? It's better to find someone willing to wait in the pack of thirsty people for you. By the time you finally get to the front, you're so frustrated you're sober.\n9. Why do people try parking in apartment complexes? Tow trucks enjoy working Friday nights and making college kids write checks when they don't even have $85 in the bank.