Grow-A-Date™ replaces Teddy

It's Valentine's Day, and that means thousands of guys and gals are getting their hearts broken by the romantic interest of their lives.\nI feel sorry for them, but I feel even more sorry for the teddy bears. \nThousands of poor, pitiful stuffed bears are given this day to people who don't want them, and the miserable creatures are destined to spend the rest of their nonexistent lives on the top shelf of a dark, lonely closet.\nThis is incredibly depressing.\nThe bear did nothing to deserve this. I mean, that assault and battery charge against it was totally hyped up. Some guy in the bar was talking trash to teddy and someone got hit in the head with a beer bottle and someone else got shoved through the window. A completely innocent situation.\nWow, I've discovered yet another reason why I shouldn't write my column at three in the morning.\nAnyway, no stuffed animal deserves to be unloved. Especially on Valentine's Day.\nSo, I've decided something has to be done about this. And I think I've found the solution.\nRuss Berrie® and Company, Inc., whose slogan is Make Someone Happy™, has come up with a stupendous idea that may very well end the suffering of the teddy bear.\nThe wonderful people at Russ Berrie® are now selling Grow-A-Date™: The Incredible Expanding Date That Grows in Water.\nThe possibilities of fun with this product are endless.\nYou can take Grow-A-Date™ with you to the movies. It won't talk. You can take Grow-A-Date™ on a picnic. It's non-edible. You can even just stay at home and cuddle with your Grow-A-Date™. It may be a bit soggy, though, so watch out on this last one.\nAlso, I'm not positive on this, but I'm pretty sure that Grow-A-Date™ does not need to be wooed with a cute, cuddly stuffed bear. In fact, Grow-A-Date™ probably does not need to be wooed at all. Just keep your date near water and the relationship should sail along smoothly.\nNow, what if it's not working out between you and your Grow-A-Date™? You two just aren't communicating properly. It doesn't understand your needs. It's starting to grow a funky mold on the back of his or her neck.\nIt's no problem at all.\nSimply remove Grow-A-Date™ from the water and it will slowly shrink back to its original size. All relationships should be this easy.\nAnd just in case you miss your Grow-A-Date™ and want a reconciliation, Russ Berrie® claims that its product may be used over and over.\n The teddy bear industry is aware of the emerging danger and has taken steps to revitalize sales. One of the businesses taking action is the Vermont Teddy Bear Company (motto: "Our Valentine's Day Bears Make Great Gifts." I'm guessing the same people who wrote that motto also write Sesame Street.) \n This company has come up with a whole display of sickening Valentine teddies including Don Juan Bear (the love 'em and leave 'em bear), Gangster of Love (the "we couldn't think of anything better" bear), Heart Throb (clothed in heart-shaped boxers nonetheless) and Mr. Lucky, who has to be the most pitiful looking stuffed bear I have ever seen in my life. Mr. Lucky is the first stuffed animal I have ever seen who is in desperate need of a face lift.\nUnfortunately, these acts of a deranged company are no match for Grow-A-Date™, which I predict will finally end the sad predicament of the teddy bear.