Out in the greek system

After living in his fraternity house for two and a half years, Ryan Gill chose to move off-campus and distance himself from his brothers in the fall of 2000. That semester, he planned to tell his fraternity brothers that he was gay.\nHe said he feared living in the fraternity house because it might be uncomfortable for him and the rest of the fraternity.\nGill moved back into the fraternity this fall, and said he now sees there is no reason to feel uncomfortable with his brothers. \nGill, a senior, has read the book "Out on Fraternity Row: Personal Accounts of Being Gay in a College Fraternity," written by Pam Freeman, assistant dean of students. But he said he did not need to read a story to understand what it is like to be gay and in a fraternity. \nLast month, Gill participated in a panel discussion about homosexuality in the greek system that also featured the book and its authors. Pam Freeman, who is also the director of the Office of Student Ethics and Anti-Harassment programs, and Shane Windmeyer, a former IU graduate student, co-edited "Out on Fraternity Row" and its companion volume, "Secret Sisters: Stories of Being Lesbian and Bisexual in a College Sorority."\nWindmeyer, who is gay, was a member of a fraternity while he was an undergraduate. He said he felt that something valuable could be gained from his experience and that he should share it with others.\nThe stories differ greatly. They range from the uplifting to the horrific. One story in the book speaks of how one fraternity member and president of his school's Interfraternity Council committed suicide after his house learned of his homosexuality. He wanted to avoid bringing embarrassment to the chapter. \nBut for other students, like Gill, coming out to their houses and to other family and friends has been a mostly positive experience.\nLiving life in stages\nWhen putting the book together, the editors loosely structured the stories into chapters that dealt with the developing stages of gay/lesbian identity as defined by the Cass Model of sexual identity. \nThe first stages are identity confusion and comparison. In the first stage, a person feels different from his or her peers and begins to label him or herself as such. The second stage consists of bargaining. The person feels isolated and alone in the world.\nFreeman found that for many greek members, joining the organization was an attempt to correct internal questioning of their own sexuality.\nThe third stage is identity tolerance. This stage might include a rejection of peers and fellow members to avoid later rejection because of sexuality.\nGill, who asked that his fraternity not be named, experienced this feeling. \n"I thought I would either lose respect or be blown off and eventually just disappear from the house," Gill said. "That is why I moved out my senior year."\nGill is in his fifth year of studying at IU. He lived in the fraternity house for part of freshman year, and his second and third years. He did not live in the house last year.\n"I didn't live-in because I didn't want to make myself or anyone else uncomfortable, and even though it probably would have been a struggle because there were a couple of bumps in the road, not living-in was one of the biggest mistakes of my college career."\nIdentity acceptance is the fourth stage of the continuum. In this stage, gay members begin to recognize their sexuality, sometimes only to small groups of people. \nGill came out to his mother in February of 2000, to his father in July of the same year and to his fraternity in October 2000.\n"I knew, but I never admitted it until summer of 1999," he said. \nThe fifth stage, identity pride, is when a person has an increasingly positive concept of self. Gill said he felt this stage was particularly important for him.\n"I had to overcome my own struggle first. I felt insecure at the time because I had so many good, true friends, and I did not want to ruin that," Gill said. "People have to make it up in their own minds when they feel comfortable with themselves when dealing with this issue or any issue."\nAt the fifth stage, gay men and women begin to reveal sexual preference to more people and also begin to feel anger at the discrimination homosexuals face in today's society. \n"The main point I make is to people who are confused about the issue, whether they are homosexual or are heterosexual and don't know if they should persecute or support homosexuality, is that there are good and bad people in all sectors of life, in all races, religions, organizations and that includes greeks for those who are anti-greek," Gill said. "Realize that none of us have a cookie-cutter making, and we should take people on an individual basis and not as a whole."\nReactions\nIdentity synthesis is the sixth and final stage in forming identity. At this stage, feelings of anger subside and the person begins to acknowledge the many similarities between heterosexuals and homosexuals. \nGill's fraternity brothers showed him that they were able to do this as well, that they were capable and willing to accept and support him. But the process of coming out also made him realize the differences between him and his fraternity brothers. \nAlthough he had some bad moments, Gill's experience of coming out was a positive one. He did have doubts as to what the reaction and repercussions would be.\n"Unlike a lot of fraternities, there was no one (in my house) who was suspected or who was out," Gill said. "The initial reaction was very positive, if it wasn't supported fully by almost 100 percent of the house."\nGill came out to the house as a whole. One brother came up to Gill and said to Gill that he had never known a gay person and that he had stereotyped and persecuted homosexuals because that was the popular and cool thing to do.\n"'The brother said, 'I've known you for two years, and I'm touched and sorry for what I've done in the past. Now that I know you, I will be objective. I will be sensitive to other people when I find out about their sexual preference,'" Gill said.\nThat same night, a group of brothers pledged full support to Gill no matter what the sentiments of some of the other members may be.\nWindmeyer, co-editor and originator of the book project, came out to his fraternity while he was vice president of the chapter.\n"(My house) already knew me as a good brother. When I came out I had a very positive response," he said. "A member who happens to be gay is just as valued for diversity. They're still good brothers and sisters. They're just gay."\nSince he came out, Gill found out that his brothers wanted to know more about homosexuality.\n"People respect my honesty and sincerity since I've come out," Gill said. "I have been bombarded with questions, but they're educational -- some sexual and some private. They want to know more about it."\nEducation and Individuality\nAs tolerance for homosexuality grows, fraternities' openness to such sexual lifestyles are also expanding, the book's authors said. Not only are some university professors using Freeman and Windmeyer's work in the classroom, some fraternity chapters are using the stories as a learning tool. The editors are also working on a manual that organizations can use to help bring awareness and understanding to its members through various activities. Some fraternities and sororities across the nation have begun to add anti-discrimination policies into their chapters. Senior Ben Schmidt, president of IU's Interfraternity Council, said none of IU's chapters have policies that discriminate against homosexuals.\nThe need for the recognition of individual support and courage is important. Gill recognizes that, "It wasn't the whole house. It was individuals in the house that made me realize that I am part of the family. I am one of them."\nGill commends his brothers for supporting him.\n"To the guys in the house, you should pat yourselves on the back for taking a step that is rare and courageous."\nThe reaction to Gill's coming out was something he saw as an acceptance and recognition of a person's worth as an individual. The stories in Freeman and Windmeyer's book attest to the importance of individual voice and the wealth of different experiences students have had.\n"As we collected more and more stories this was a theme that came in: 'I want to belong,'" Freeman said. "This isn't scientific research, but we are trying to get an idea of what it is like out there."\nFreeman said her book is an important resource for those confused or scared about taking that step, and it is also a learning tool to help straight people understand and accept homosexuality. \nWindmeyer remembers he felt "very alone and isolated" before he came out because "there were no resources."\nToday, the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgendered Student Support Services offers individual consultation and peer support counselors to students who want them. GLBT also provides resource materials and works with the GLBT Anti-Harassment Team and the Health Center in creating educational programming and starting discussions.\nDoug Bauder, director of GLBT and Student Support Services, said he hears from an average of three men a semester who want to talk about their sexual orientation and the coming out process. About half have not come out because of a fear of rejection. He has not heard any horror stories, but he has heard of specific discriminatory instances that the Anti-Harassment Team has had to deal with. \nHe said one Asian student received threats and accusatory statements on his door because he was perceived to be gay. The Anti-Harassment Team has also dealt with death threats and destruction of property. \nGill's said his process of coming out helped him and his fraternity brothers to grow. \n"It's helped people to take a stand. It has helped them accept that which is not necessarily the popular path to take," Gill said. "The have become more individualistic, and they probably don't realize the impact it has had on me and my gay friends who have come up to the house."\nNot all of the brothers were willing to accept Gill and his openness, and at times he has felt like a minority. "Certain people in the house did not want to face the challenge. They thought I should leave, and although this appears in the years 2000-01 to be a crusade for gay rights, it is a challenge that many minorities in the past (i.e. Jews, African-Americans, etc.) faced several years ago," Gill said to the panel in September. "Hopefully these challenges will not be a problem in the years to come because of the challenge you were faced with today."\nJust living in the fraternity has helped Gill to grow. He is happy to be a part of the organization, and he is looking forward to spending this year living in the house.\n"Joining the house allowed me to grow up and explore myself for who I was and who I could be if I would let it happen," Gill said. "I have grown and been blessed by the experience"