'The Add Sheet' and its impact on life

As a prospective politician, I am often asked what I would do to change the world. Surely after expecting to hear about my plans to cure world hunger and erase poverty, these people are a little surprised when I say that my first priority as commander-in-chief would be to produce more of the Add Sheet.\nEveryday I see them, standing on the corner, helping innocent bystanders save numerous (six) cents on such products as "The Incredible Soap Dispensing Monkey" and "Robert Blake Sings the Music of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir." After years of attending this fine University, I can spot them from a mile away. I've developed what NASA is secretly referring to as the "ASSS", or "Add Sheet Surveillance System" which enables me, a human being with an IQ of somewhere around 19, to detect value-packed tiny yellow booklets from distances of no less than 5,000 feet away.\nTry as I might, my Add Sheet Surveillance System sometimes gives out. \nSometimes I just take my Add Sheet and throw it away, leaving me to wonder whether or not the environmental value of the book outweighs the numerous savings that lie inside. But somehow, I seem to forget all my environmental concerns when I learn that, for a mere $99.99, I might be eligible to talk to a certain Jamaican psychic for five and a half minutes. \nSometimes I don't take the Sheet at all. There have been times when I've run away from the distributors. You know the feeling you get when you're at the mall and the parking lot is full, and someone is following you around hoping that you'll leave so they can get your space? Sometimes you just take off running toward a random car and watch them sprint to catch up?\nThis is the same type of fun I like to have with the Add Sheet distributors. I pretend like I'm heading right for them, and then, when they reach out to me hoping to seal the deal, in a move that only Antwaan Randle-El could mimic, I turn on a dime and break hard right. \nI'm just kidding. Usually I head left. \nRecently I've been on the Add Sheet like the Bush twins on a Miller Lite at Happy Hour. For some reason, I just can't get enough of it. No longer can I look at these people standing outside, braving all that Mother Nature can throw at them, to provide us with a 75-cent coupon on a $250 oil change at Jiffy Lube, and deny them of their duty.\nCall it my obligation to the country, call it helping mankind if you will, but I, much like you, am just doing all I can to make the world a better place. \nOn a serious note, I honestly do applaud the Add Sheet for employing the number of people it does. It provides work for many people, and giving people jobs is never a bad thing. \nSometimes I like to have a little fun, and sometimes it comes at the expense of others. I think now is the time to come out and say it: I mean no harm. I come in peace. \nSometimes I might walk that thin line between humorous and offensive. Sometimes I might push it as far as it can possibly go, but it's all in good spirit and I hope that some of you out there might take what you read just a little less literally (more on that as your tongue unfolds).\nBut if I ever go too far, don't hesitate to tell me. I could always use a good kick in the "ASSS".