Bathroom etiquette laws

Bathrooms are awkward places. I don't think I've ever had a normal experience in a bathroom, and I don't know if there's any such thing as a "normal experience" to be had in a place like that in the first place. There are some people on this campus who make restroom experiences very unpleasant, which is exactly why we must initiate restroom etiquette laws immediately.\nThere are few moments in life I hate more than when, in a completely empty room, some guy comes in and uses the stall right next to mine. Especially when using the urinals. There are 16 stalls in the room and some guy takes the one right next to me. I'm not questioning anyone's sexuality, but it seems a little strange to me that someone wants to be that close to me while I'm trying to do my thing.\nThe worst is running into the person you haven't seen in months and all of the sudden they feel inclined to shake your hand right after they're done using the stall. "Uh, look, I know I haven't seen you in a long time, but I really have to go."\nThat's why I'm calling for a minimum two-stall buffer zone when available. But, in the odd situation when you must be right next to someone, I think it's a good idea to keep the conversation to a minimum. In fact, don't talk to me at all. Comments like "Nice day, out, huh?" really distract me. I've got more important things to think about, like making sure I'm actually hitting the urinal.\nAny communication done at a urinal should only be with monosyllabic words. Here's a conversation that should never take place:\nUrinator #1: So what do you think about the downward spiral of our economy, Bob? Eerily reminiscent of pre-Cold War Russia, don't you think?\nUrinator #2: Absolutely. \nUrinator #1: Luckily I've got a great investment guy. Maybe I could set you up with him.\nUrinator #2: That'd be great.\nUrinator #3: Hey! You're peeing on my leg.\nConversations aren't the only things happening in bathrooms these days. People are writing entire novels on stall doors. Can you imagine how much time some of these guys stay on the toilet? I've learned some really interesting things from bathroom scripture. I guess if you show up to a certain stall at a certain time, someone would be really happy to see you. There is an upside to stall messages, though. Apparently you can find phone numbers for some really interesting girls there.\nMen are completely different from women when it comes to dealing with restroom procedures. There is some social law that says a girl cannot go to the bathroom by herself and that, if at all possible, she should take every person she's ever met in her life to the restroom with her. They do this because, get this, they want to talk. Can you believe that? The bathroom is to a woman's social life what the Pentagon is to our national defense system.\nSo the next double date you're on when one of the girls says "I need to use the restroom, excuse me," you can fully expect that the other one will suddenly feel the need to join her. They are going to discuss how much of a jerk you are, and if you're lucky, they won't have a pen to write about it on the stall. Because even though I've never been in a women's restroom, I have a strange feeling that there is a huge list of names and numbers of all the guys who are jerks.\nBathrooms are strange places, which is why I encourage you to spend as little time in there as possible. This is my last column of the semester, but for those of you looking for more, I'll try to scribble down some random thoughts every now and then. They'll be in a stall near you.