Officially condemned to hell

I've been told I'm going to hell many times. Usually those three little words find themselves coming from the mouths of sorority girls who find my conversation attempts unwelcome. I know, they're obviously insane. \nBut, passing by Woodburn Hall Monday, for the first time in my life I was told to prepare for a hot eternity by a preacher.\nI'm sure most of you have heard of Brother Dan, or perhaps have even seen him yourself. He likes to stand in the grass outside Woodburn in the fall and spring, clutching his ever-present Bible, shouting condemning words and scripture, telling everyone to pack their summer clothes for an eternal summer. \nI suppose it's time to give up when a man of God tells you you're headed for Hades. I personally have come to accept my fate, as it's obviously too late to save myself, which leaves converting to Buddhism one of my last options.\nBut, if there is a God and there is a hell, I'm wondering if it can really be any worse than here. I'm not talking about our University or even the state of Indiana (although it's certainly a contender), but rather this ball of water and rock we call "Earth."\nIn a place where adulterers become presidents, where presidents become adulterers and where preachers who condemn the evils of the world are found in bed with women other than their wives, it's no surprise we're doomed. I mean, if Jesse Jackson can't lead a perfect life, there's little hope for me.\nFortunately, we're all guilty in one way or another. But if it's only those who seek forgiveness who are saved, I've got a problem with the system. It seems a little tricky to me that you can lead a life of sin, and then, on your deathbed, simply say "I'm sorry" and all will be forgiven. I'm mad for days when my roommate uses my laundry detergent, but God can forgive everything you've ever done in the blink of an eye?\nIn an age of legal agreements, I say God should give us a contract to sign from the moment we can read. Something that says, "If you do this many bad things, it's off to the bad place when you die." I know diehard biblical scholars will point out this is what the Ten Commandments are for, but that was long before Internet pornography was readily available. We need an updated commandment system, clearly defining what is and is not acceptable behavior. Maybe, according to Brother Dan, we need to have faith. Maybe Limp Bizkit was right after all. \nThere's a great number of people here who will be joining me in the afterlife, be it in heaven or hell, or even in Canada, so I'm not all that concerned with my fate. I anticipate hell being a big frat party in August with the heaters on full blast. Because, after all, those people who are going to be banished are the ones who have had the most fun, which means there are going to be some really fun girls down there. Plus you can finally use the "Is it hot in here, or is it just you?" line you've always wanted to try out. \nPerhaps Brother Dan is right, maybe we're all doomed. Maybe it doesn't matter what you do (or how many times you do it), we're all going to end up in the same place anyway. But part of me still believes that there is always hope, that our religious odometers can always be reset to zero. On this highway to heaven or hell, let's just hope U-turns are legal. And watch out for all those potholes.