Grammatical geeks

If one walks into the IDS newsroom on any given weekday, one would see busy reporters, photographers, designers, advertising executives and editors hard at work. Telephones are constantly ringing, the police scanner is always on and the sound of keyboard clicking is loud and continuous. People are talking, sharing ideas, getting information and setting deadlines.\nOff to one corner sits a group slightly set apart from the copy-generating desks. They aren't as talkative and seem engrossed completely in the glare of their computer screens. Noses buried in stylebooks, phone books and sports rosters, these people are lost in their own little world. Outside of the newsroom, you'll often find them sitting in the front of an English or journalism class. These are the students who read the newspaper, not only to get information, but to gleefully catch even the smallest mistakes. I am one of them.\nWe're the ones who know that you can't host an event, but you can be host to an event. We know there is a difference between a Dumpster and trash receptacle.\nWe LIKE the "Word Power" section in Reader's Digest.\nYeah, we're the newsroom dorks. We're the copy editors.\nAs boring as we might sound, a lot of fun can be had with your friendly, neighborhood copy editor. If you like to play cruel jokes on innocent people, a copy editor can be your best friend. Reading or hearing a grammatical faux pas can send a copy editor into various states of physical pain, especially when repeated.\nI've seen copy editors wince at mistakes in the paper, sometimes even crying out in agony. Errors in today's paper mean we missed something during yesterday's shift, and one small mistake can make for hours of self-torture. The never-ending editorial instinct doesn't end in the newsroom or while reading the paper: It carries on into daily life.\nSigns in food courts, residence halls and classrooms are a virtual smorgasbord of writing mistakes.\n"Look, look! They said t-shirt. It's T-shirt, you moron!"\nAnd so we must stifle the urge to rush at the sign, the Red Pen of Editorial Justice ready to do its magic. Luckily, friends and family do their best to keep us from constantly revealing to the rest of the world what geeks we actually are.\nBut if you're looking for a good time, read on. I've come up with a few ways to torture copy editors and make them cry like babies. These grammatical games can be played at parties, basketball games, just before class and at various social events. \nDearest readers, please keep in mind that while these editorial torture tests will be fun to the prankster, they might result in physical harm and/or mental incapacitation to your copy editing friends around the world.\nTO, TOO AND TWO\nAugh! Just thinking about these three little worlds makes me antsy. They seem so basic, but they are misused so often, especially in casual e-mails. A good game is to send an e-mail to a copy editor with the following message:\n"To many people are coming to Cindy's birthday party."\nThen, wait a few hours. If your friend does not reply, go to his or her apartment. Nine times out of 10, he or she will be staring blankly at the screen, repeating "Too, too, too" in a barely intelligible monotone.\nALOT OF FUN\nMy high school English teacher had a creative way of illustrating my next point. She had two doors in her classroom; she would walk to one of the doors, stand just outside, and say, "A." Then, she would very slowly walk to the other door, pause, take a deep breath, and say, "Lot." She would then very calmly return to her desk and say, "A lot. A lot. A lot." For a good time with this error, just write "alot" on a blank piece of paper. Slip it to a copy editor during church, class or some other quiet time. Watch his or her face turn various shades of purple. While you're at it, poke him or her with a sharp stick.\nIRREGARDLESS OF OUR FAULTS, COPY EDITORS ARE NICE PEOPLE\nI want to hunt down the person who made up this nonexistent word and give them a piece of my red pen. "Irregardless" is not a valid word! It's just "regardless," as in "without regard." If you stick the "ir" on it, it means "without without regard." Augh!\nJust walk up to a copy editor and say, "Irregardless of the fact that you're a dork, we can still be friends." But for the love of God, please make sure a telephone is nearby as paramedics might need to be called.\nI could go on, but I only have this little rectangle to myself, folks. Just remember that while these games are fun for your average Joe, they might result in unspeakable pain for the few, the proud, the nerds, the copy editors.