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Friday, March 29
The Indiana Daily Student

Rocking the vote to sleep

In this corner, we have a smooth-talking, shady politician.\nAnd in this corner, we have ... well, another smooth-talking, shady politician.\nAnd crouched in this corner, hiding, we have one very scared voter.\nMy first eligible election, and this is what I get? A Texas death machine and a vice president who talks out of both sides of his mouth?\nI guess I should have seen this coming last semester, when I skipped over to Teter Quad to cast my primary vote for John McCain, who was then my second choice to Libby Dole. (And I thought I was being realistic!) I looked at my primary vote as a kind of protest to the inevitable: George Dubbya and Internet Gore.\nHave I mentioned that I don't want to vote for either of them?\nAnd then, they had to go and pick really great vice presidential candidates, so that's not helping me narrow down the field. But just when I thought my electoral conundrum couldn't get any worse, an incredible phenomenon occurred which made my blood run cold and my intellect reel:\nThat's right, fellow voters: OPRAH! (Dun-dun-DUUUUNNNNNNN!)\nAny semblance of voting security flew right out the window after I saw Al and George kickin' it back with that amazing woman. After about three minutes into Al's interview, I found myself laughing at this guy's jokes! He's not even that funny, but when Oprah's up there chuckling, what's a girl to do? Suddenly, hot topics such as foreign policy and campaign finance took the back burner to such pressing questions as "What\'s your favorite sandwich?"\nLikewise with media darling Dubbya. How cute was that when he teared up about his daughter's birth? Oh my goodness, and that little montage with George and Laura at the ranch? It was like watching a sweet couple I had known for years. I honestly think they would give me apple cider if I popped over for a visit. I don't really care about his stance on the death penalty or tax breaks anymore: I just want to know what is his favorite gift to give.\nOprah, what are you doing? I would not be surprised if there were a dramatic increase in voter turnout this year because of those smarmy interviews. (Which is a good thing, because our vote is our power and our voice, and we should exercise both. End of small-yet-effective lecture.)\nThere hasn't been a question of voting to me, even though I am not at all comfortable with either candidate yet. But when Oprah looked straight into the camera and said, "Vote, vote, vote!" after George's interview, I knew I absolutely had no choice. When Oprah tells you to do something, you do it. If we don't vote, she's going to hunt us down, drag us up on one of her big chairs and make us "Remember Our Spirits."\nGod help us all!\nThe really sick part is, during both interviews, I wanted to know which candidate Oprah was going to vote for. Not that I would vote for someone just because Oprah wanted me to, but that girl knows what's going on with her interviewee. She straight up told Dubbya to stop talking trash, and she meant business! I want to know which man she thought was being more honest and open about their favorite books and otherwise.\nBut rest easy, folks, the anomaly is over. Oprah is done, and the warm and fuzzy feelings we have in our hearts for the good ol' boys is starting to fade away. We will no longer have to be tortured by light and fluffy answers to easy questions, and it will be politics as usual for the duration of the campaign....\nHey! What is Al Gore doing on MTV?\nWhat is Al Gore doing on MTV, joking around with John Norris and a room full of college kids? What is Al Gore doing making jokes about Paul Simon songs and wearing Dockers?\nGreat, just great. Now that Oprah's done, the ever hard-hitting MTV News team is jazzing up Al and George and making them to Generation ... Wait, what are they calling our generation these days? Anyway, one can't help but look slightly cool plastered all over the MTV airwaves.\nBut if anyone breaks out a saxophone, I'm voting for Ralph Nader.\nOr maybe Oprah.

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