Editor’s note: The contents of this column are intended for satirical and entertainment purposes and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the IDS or its staffers. The people and scenarios mentioned are fictional.
Sophomore Michael Woodburn-Showalter solves differential proofs in his dreams, dusts chalkboards in his downtime and hears an earful of high-school trigonometric trauma from every stranger he shares his choice of studies with. In many respects, Woodburn-Showalter resembles his fellow math majors at Indiana University, except in one: He dons shorts in the winter.
Woodburn-Showalter joined other fashionistas to showcase this leggy couture in IU’s first Blizzard Fashion Show, which took place at the Arboretum last week.
“Fashion follows function,” Woodburn-Showalter said. “When the school doesn’t shovel the sidewalks, I can trudge through up to 23 inches of snow before I get my clothes wet. And last week, I did just that while everyone else had soaked pant-clad shins.”
Woodburn-Showalter modeled sooty gray, nine-pocket, snowflake-speckled cargo shorts during his strut. Others, like junior Oliver Swain, an accounting and organizational management major, exhibited a retro 2000s look in his calf-draping basketball shorts sashay.
A common sentiment among attendees was that wearing shorts in the dead of winter goes deeper than the aesthetic.
“It’s about freedom,” Swain said. “And grit. Not everyone can bear the frigid winds that winter breaks in so little fabric — or as breathable a fabric as basketball shorts.”
Swain also cited James Dean in “Rebel Without a Cause” as a key inspiration.
“Back then, jeans showed you weren’t part of the system,” Swain said. “Today that’s mainstream. But shorts in winter — that should tell people I’m not the type to mess with in a snowball fight.”
Leah Wright stepped onto the ice block catwalk in designer Bermuda shorts woven out of a million tightly stitched snowflakes she collected last winter. Prior to the show, Wright stored the delicate piece in the basement of Simon Hall, beside IU’s Department of Defense-funded extreme environmental chamber.
“It doesn’t get more unique than that,” visiting critic and renowned shorts enthusiast Atam Santler said. “Leah isn’t just putting up with the cold in her shorts. She’s embraced it. It’s a lifestyle.”
Fifty students participated in the Blizzard Fashion Show, while nearly 200 gathered to watch it. Ann Ballantine, a sophomore studying film and Woodburn-Showalter’s girlfriend, was among these spectators.
In an interview, Ballantine said she expects Woodburn-Showalter to wear shorts to their ice-skating date Saturday — if they end up making it. Before last week’s blizzard, Michael parked at the Indiana Memorial Union’s visitor lot, where his car has since become trapped under a mountain of snow.
Eric Cannon (he/him) is a sophomore studying philosophy and political science and currently serves as a member of IU Student Government.
