Editor’s note: The contents of this column are intended for satirical and entertainment purposes and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the IDS or its staffers. The people and scenarios mentioned are fictional.
The Indiana University Board of Acorns gathered in the third nook from the ground inside the Bur Oak tree overlooking the Indiana Memorial Union. The board, which comprises nine squirrels appointed from around IU Bloomington’s campus, approved policies pertaining to acorn distribution, personnel awards and residential expansion during the meeting, which marked the first such gathering this year.
Maxwell Bushy-Tail, chairman of the board and its longest-sitting member, acknowledged the recent tornado that landed in Bloomington to open the meeting.
“Branches shook, but roots stayed strong,” Bushy-Tail said. “I’m glad to see everyone could make it given recent weather.”
Acorn distribution
Board member Elizabeth Walnut introduced a motion to consider acorn distribution for fiscal year 2026, including a 3,000 acorn raise for President of Trees Michael Pecan, a 2,500 acorn bonus for Pecan, a 1,800 acorn expenditure to cover legal fees associated with an ongoing lawsuit over the board’s outdoor tail-wagging policy and a 500 acorn allocation to the Daily Elm-Leaf.
The board unanimously approved the first three measures. The last failed with one vote in the affirmative and eight in the negative.
“We devote so many acorns to the president of trees’ salary,” Walnut said. “Why do we flip our tails at paying a little bit more for the Daily Elm-Leaf to buy more bark tablets?”
New statue
After these votes, Michael Pecan recommended plans to erect a statue of acorn caching coach Curt Squirelletti. Pecan suggested the statue could be located outside Spruce Hall.
“Coach Squirelletti led our caching team to new heights this year,” Pecan said. “A statue is the least that is in order to honor a perfect season.”
During the 2026 caching season, Squirelletti’s team cleared more than 25 oak trees’ worth of acorns. In October, the team beat the Purdue University Chipmunks in West Lafayette, hoarding 60% of the game tree’s produce within the hour of playing time compared to the chipmunks’ 11%.
In response to a Daily Elm-Leaf request for comment, Squirelletti’s office said the athletic icon was busy watching scatter-hoarding film.
10th Street expansion
Chairman Bushy-Tail presented a motion for the board to consider Project 10th Street, the final item on its agenda, before the meeting ended.
Project 10th Street is a plan to expand the Indiana University squirrel population beyond its traditional range that covers most of the southern half of campus. This sphere includes the southeast residential neighborhood and the grounds of the IMU, noted zones of squirrel habitation. Certain provisions in the plan call on Bloomington to plant trees along 10th Street’s median to accommodate more bushy-tailed Hoosiers.
“There is no reason squirrels should be limited to the south of campus,” Jennifer Hazelnut, the newest board member, said. “In the past, we fought for the Tree Suites in the IMU. We even won Spruce Hall and Forest Dining Hall. This battle is not too large.”
Walnut demanded the board scrap the project.
“Humans at Indiana University use 10th Street as a race track,” Walnut said. “It’s simply not safe for squirrels to traverse as long as there are humans at IU.”
The board decided to table the project for further consideration in a six to three vote.
“While we didn’t decide the issue today, I trust a decision will be reached next time,” Bushy-Tail told the Daily Elm-Leaf.
When the meeting ended, the board members and other attendees moved from the Bur Oak to the Whittenberger entrance at the IMU to beg students for food on the sidewalk.
Eric Cannon (he/him) is a sophomore studying philosophy and political science and currently serves as a member of IU Student Government.
