Editor’s note: The contents of this column are intended for satirical and entertainment purposes and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the IDS or its staffers. Any resemblance to real events is coincidental.
A 10-pound dissertation hot off the Wells Library West Wing printer slammed on a desk, breaking the nervous silence in a Hodge Hall room brimming with students Monday morning. Professor Herman B Hoosier, who teaches the 5:30 a.m. section of Kelley Compass 1, said the desk snapped after bending under the paper’s weight. With midterm season over, Hoosier and his students are reflecting on this spectacle.
“Bro,” Kyle McNutt, a senior majoring in finance, said. “When I saw that massive midterm, I knew mine was cooked.”
The midterm belongs to John Spea, a freshman on a pre-Kelley track. In Spea's senior year of high school, he competed in the National Overachievers Association scholarship competition. After placing second, he said he vowed never to be outdone again. Since then, he has raised his hand for every question a professor has asked, even when he was only walking past the classroom.
“I always try to answer in five paragraph format,” Spea said.
Hoosier said he assigned an essay for the class midterm, encouraging students to express their networking aspirations, but emphasized that they should not stress over the work.
“This isn’t rocket science, after all,” Hoosier said. “It was just participation points. I wanted to get my students thinking.”
According to the class syllabus, the recommended word limit on the essay was 500 words.
“I knew this was my chance,” Spea said. “I just imagined the joy on Professor Hoosier’s face when he saw my 328-page critique of contemporary research on West Germany’s comparative advantage in the Egyptian auto market from 1963 to ‘64 during President Sadat’s tariff regime.”
Spea shared a copy of his dissertation with the IDS. He followed this with a second copy, impressing editorial staff with flawless AP style.
“I prepared several versions in APA, MLA and Chicago format,” Spea said. “When the IDS reached out, I pulled out my pocket AP style guide during lunch and made the necessary changes.”
According to his LinkedIn profile, Spea interns at three consulting firms while juggling a 20-credit course load, assistant teaching K-201 and keeping a 4.10 GPA.
“The unpaid internship almost gives me more joy than the two paid ones,” Spea said.
Spea told the IDS that he thinks Professor Hoosier would have liked it if everyone in the class had turned in similar midterm papers. He said he fears Hoosier will not have enough bedtime reading.
In an email to the IDS, Spea’s parents, John Sr. and Jane, said their son hopes to pass Kelley Compass 1 with at least 103% in the class.
“He views it as vital to his future career,” Jane wrote. “He tells us he asks Professor Hoosier for extra credit opportunities every day after class.”
Eric Cannon (he/him) is a sophomore studying philosophy and political science and currently serves as a member of IU Student Government.
