Each day it gets harder to hate the New England Patriots. How else can I feel when they sign former Carolina Panthers quarterback and league MVP Cam Newton while sorry franchises like the Jaguars and Bears had the audacity to pass on a human capable of accurately throwing the ball farther than six yards?
I have begun wondering whether the Patriots are an organization of masterminds or if their opponents are simply inept. Who’s to say head coach Bill Belichick even meant to acquire Newton? Given Belichick’s messy past of secretly videotaping other teams, maybe the decision to hire Newton stemmed from a misunderstanding when Belichick told his staff he needed a new “cam” to work with.
Regardless of how Newton’s tenure in Boston pans out, the product is sure to thrill audiences like any good blockbuster. Therefore, I have summarized the superstar’s career through cinema’s most beloved genres.
The heavily dramatized, half-true sports story
In this saccharine slice of revisionist history, Newton is injured when he heroically dives for a fumble in Super Bowl L. We see a downtrodden doctor inform the quarterback that he’d be lucky to walk again, let alone throw a tight spiral.
Amazingly, Newton overcomes adversity with nothing but grit, determination and a multi-million dollar personal medical crew.
Finally, the film must take an out-of-context, weirdly motivational quote from the athlete to serve as its title. Like the indefatigable Newton reminds us, “The Titanic Still Has To Go.”
The fantasy epic
The legendary Tom Brady once brought treasured rings to New England. Alas, the realm’s greatest champion is no longer, leaving the kingdom to be ravaged by the Jets, Dolphins and Bills, all unsavory beasts of a bitter underworld.
Who else could save this forsaken land except Newton, whose jersey number literally indicates he is the chosen one?
Joined by a loyal fellowship of charming but ultimately forgettable wide receivers, Newton must turn back the tides of war in “The Golden Cam Pass.”
The horror movie
You thought his career was dead and buried. But like a creature of the night rising from the murky Carolina swamp, Newton is back—and he’s angry.
Shield your eyes from gruesome imagery as Newton’s lower leg is put back together as if it were Frankenstein’s monster in a back-alley surgery. The NFL season spans multiple months, but October will be 31 Halloween nights for the rest of the AFC East.
This fall, not even the screams of Newton’s prey can pierce through “The Silence of the Cams.”
The romantic comedy
How do you move on from the perfect man? This is the question Belichick faces after kissing Brady goodbye. However, a certain wildcard from the South who was recently dumped by his hometown sweetheart Carolina Panthers might be the answer.
Newton may have gone head-over-heels for Belichick, but the couple will have to get on the same page of the playbook to escape the friend zone and find the end zone. Huddling up is just a few yards from cuddling up in “Mixed Signals.”
The musical
Newton is Carolina’s hottest upcoming artist with aspirations of making it in the big city. Belichick is the renowned talent manager Newton will have to wow for that dream to become a reality.
Belichick may have coached a prodigy like Brady to greatness in his glory days, but has his star faded? How can Newton’s improvisational, jazzy smoothness and Belichick’s classical discipline ever strike a harmony?
Watch the two dance their way onto football’s grandest stage in “New Eng La La Land.”
The stoner flick
Nearly a decade of contractual obligations and shoulder pain have made Newton tired of dreary adulthood. If only he could return to a simpler time when he was lighting up scoreboards and smoking defenses with blazing speed despite constantly getting blitzed.
This laugh-filled joint takes a look at Newton’s college years, from running into trouble at the University of Florida to packing a bowl game with stellar performances for Auburn University.
Even amid life’s lowest lows, Newton will always remember the “Heisman Highs, Man.”
